AI- Phoenix Auditions

We open with Simon looking much younger, and a little softer, from which we segue into a rather nice montage of memorable former contestants. Hey, it’s Like a Virgin Keith. And there’s Clay, before and after. And Paula and Simon kissing (urk), and the Ryan/Ruben/Ruben’s Brother sandwich, and Kellie Pickler and Daughtry and McPhee and surprise surprise, no Taylor. Sanjaya, Sanjaya’s crying girl, William Hung, Mikalah Gordon, Fantasia, oh, Elliott’s sweet mom, whoa… Taylor!, Kelly, Carrie, David Cook and Jordin (my surprise is justified- just because they’re showing all of the winners, doesn’t mean that Taylor’s existence will be acknowledged). We finish with the new opening, Ryan barely enduring a smooch from some undressed chick, the hysterical Archuletta tween girls from U-Tube, and finally, some doofus in a pink bunny suit.

This. is. American. Idol.

So we’re in Phoenix, and guess what- Phoenix is hot in August. Who knew? And here’s a peek at the new judge, Kara DioGuardi,with whom I am not at all familiar. She looks… well she looks like a person I know nothing about.

Day 1 Auditions:

Twan with the floppy afro, is every bit as bad as you’d expect him to be, and they let him go on a looooong time, playing him out to Careless Whisper (which always morphs into Hairless Sister in my mind).

Emily Hughes is pierced and tattooed and ear-bobbed, and is obviously, this year’s pink haired rocker. She’s okay, but no Wilson Sister.

Weepy, wimpy wannabe rocker Randy looks 40. Randy cries real tears and I laugh.

J.B LastnameflashedbybeforeIcouldwriteitdown – I say no no no, the judges say yes, yes, yes, yes. He can’t hold a note and thinks that being on AI will somehow help his family.

There are no words for Michael Gurr, except that he may just have replaced Virgin Keith as the worst audition ever.

I am honestly unsure if Will Kunick, with the Mohawk and false eyelashes, was male or female. I am, however, perfectly sure that s/he can’t sing.

Aundre, aka X-Ray, dances like a boneless seal, and sings like Paula claps.

So, 47 minutes into the show, and we finally hear someone whose voice pleases me- young and very pretty (which, for better or worse, counts on this show) Adrianna does a passable Corinne Bailey Rae. She’s a shoe-in.

Day 2

Ah- it’s Bowser from Sha Na Na. Why am I singing, “Let my pipple goooooooo”?

16 year old Leah Marie Something, seriously needs to look into calming down. She declares that her style is a mix of Hillary Duff and Madonna. She’ll be back next year, mark my words, at which time she’ll sound like an unholy combo of Hannah Montana and Phoebe Snow.

Stevie Wright has a wobbly moment or two, but her At Last is good. I have hopes for her.

Michael Sarver says he works at the world’s most dangerous profession, which I think means he crews on the Cornelia Marie. Turns out he’s an oil rig guy (okay, that’s every bit as risky as crab fishing). I’m withholding my opinion on his voice until I can hear more of it. He has potential, and looks like a genuinely nice guy.

Bikini girl is predictable and boring, so I’m not going to write about her.

Ditto the male version, Sexual Chocolate (or Chacolate, according to his tattoo).

Brianna Quijada won’t last two days in Hollywood, but we’ll all be calling Simon, Simey from now on.

Deanna Brown, this year’s Kellie Pickler, did okay with Dock of the Bay.

And Cody Sheldon, the current Sanjaya, with the Jason Castro eyes, was okay, but I suspect he’ll fall apart in Hollywood. I can’t wait to see the horror movie he’ll make from this experience.

Geeky Alex, with the very awkward sense of humor, is interesting. The last contestant Simon hated this much, won the whole shebang (my beloved Taylor Hicks). We’ll see how far he goes.

So, why didn’t the large gal with the flower from the Dead or Alive montage, make it through? She obviously has pipes.

And we close with Scott McIntyre, who is blind (this will be the last time I mention that fact, unless it has a direct bearing on the narrative- as with Ryan trying to high-five him. sigh). I think I could love this kid.

As always, we only saw a fraction of the kids who made it through. Most of the invisibles have already, for whatever reason, been consigned as elimination fodder, though one or two unknowns sneak into the Top every year (Bo Bice, Jessica Sierra, Jason Castro), so it’s not wise to discount them all. Paula was uncommonly lucid. Simon was fairly gentle. Randy was Randy. Kara was fine.

All in all, a good opener. Tomorrow night- Kansas City.