This is American Idol?
The Seacrest Voiceover vows that 125K auditioners all hope for the most illustrious prize in music. So, AI is handing out Grammys now? It then introduces the judges. I hope to hell that Steven Tyler isn't going to screech every single week, but I suppose that's the price we're going to pay for losing Simon. At least JLo has some Abdul Potential for craziness. Randy Jackson is still the luckiest nobody in the business.
We see a montage of awful that I'm not going to recap because I assume we'll see each and every one of these disasters again, in detail, though I do make a special note of Optimus Prime.
Ryan also mentions a mysterious person, a music producer. My notes say that his name is Jimmy IV (as in: eye vee), but The Hub says that his last name is Iovine (I missed the caption while writing it down phonetically). It is the last we'll see of him tonight.
Okay, we're 10 minutes into the season, and I already have a page of notes. This does not bode well for a two hour show.
New Jersey Auditions, Day 1: ARGHHHH! Constantine! My eyes!!! JLo is wearing a blue-green bubble skirt and a navy blue tee. She's sleek and gorgeous, and she's wearing huge hoop earrings. Tyler is medley of prints, polka dots, and wrinkles, all in black, white and gray. Randy is in a gray letter sweater.
Rachael Zevita made it to Hollywood in Season 6, and was promptly cut. She has something odd by her eye (mole? scar?). She sings Halleluliah in a very affected voice (back-of-the-throat Kermit style). Oh, Honey, no. But the judges let her through anyway.
Caleb Hawley, with scraggly hair and a 5 o'clock shadow, sings another song that also prominently features the word Halleluliah, in a controlled falsetto. Its limited, but also interesting, and not unpleasant. They let him go on for a long time, and then give him a yellow ticket.
Our first 15 year old appears (for the record- I object strongly to letting 15 year olds compete. Actually, I strongly object to 16 and 17 year olds competing. Give me a contest of 30-70 year olds). Kenzie Palmer is appropriately dressed in a white tunic and leggings. She has a country-ish yodel. I reluctantly admit that she's okay. Tyler and Randy are also reluctant, but JLo convinces them, and they let Kenzie through.
We see a montage of nameless ones which includes a dominatrix.
Next up is very tall and very thin Achille Lovle, a Wanda Sykes lookalike from Mikos. She sings just about as well as you'd think a Wanda Sykes lookalike would.
I think next is a parody of the Jersey Shore opening, but I'm not sure because I've studiously avoided seeing the show (though Snooki is unavoidable). I must say that many of the Jersey auditioners are shiny (and by that I don't mean that they are wearing sparkles, I mean they need blotters).
Tiffany Rios is pitiful, with her doughy face, orange skin, and- I could not possibly make this up- silver cardboard cutout stars pinned to her boobs. But surprise surprise- Tiffany has a nice voice, though her high note probably made dogs in three counties howl. The judges caution her to work on her appearance (translation: ditch the stars, and shower) before letting her through.
Another montage of bad, more bad, and really terrible, capped by JLo's reluctance to say no to anyone, ending with Melika Something, in a sky blue shirred strapless horror. Even JLo has no trouble booting her.
Endearingly goofy looking, 16 year old Robbie Rosen, whose face is 75% nose and 15% teeth, is our first Sob Story of the night. He spent much of his childhood in a wheelchair. He sings Yesterday in an overwrought manner much better suited to a school play than American Idol. It must have sounded better in person because Robbie gets a ticket.
Chris Cordiero was a New Jersey Boy Scout, locally famous for some sort of anti-texting PSA. Tonight, he's wearing a green plaid shirt, a ratty straw hat, shorts, and extremely hairy legs. He sings My Way, his way. His deluded family, listening outside with Ryan, is going to be sad, as well they should be for encouraging this poor boy to audition.
Oh, are we going there already? Michael wears plaid, has no chin, and is a nervous burper. He sings Proud Mary, if singing is what you want to call it. Lordy. The judges string him along for a bit before sending him home.
Ashley Sullivan is filmed coming out of the porta-potty. She's thin, and has horrible makeup, and carries a picture of Britney Spears in her pants pocket. She has a very Mackenzie Phillips vibe about her, and I don't mean that in a good way. She sings Gimme Gimme from Thoroughly Modern Millie, which may be a first for this show. It's scarily intense, and the judges are stunned. Please Judges, do her a favor and send her home. Oh no- they put her through. This poor girl is going to unravel right in front of us. Shame on you, show.
I want to marry the Mayhem commercials. Seriously.
Perky Victoria Huggins is 16 3/4 years old and I hate her already. She is all teeth and arrogance and pageant, declaring that we might be surprised that a 16 year old might want something this much (as though 16 years are composed of anything but concentrated want). In the words of the Great Paula Abdul, she's completely nasal up in her nasal, but since this show loves drama, we're going to be stuck with her for awhile.
Melinda Ademi, whose family is from war-torn Kosovo, is our second sob story of the night. She's 16 and a lovely girl, and she has the kind of voice that they love on this show.
Day 2: Randy is in a black t-shirt and beads. Steven Tyler is wearing fairly sober gray blazer, but he made up for it with wacktacular (or perhaps Satanic) earrings. JLo is all tan, sparkles and cleavage.
20 year old Devin Rush is a singing waitress. She sings God Bless the Child, and she's in tune, but there is no heart or soul in her performance, and this song does not deserve her. It's awful, but the judges disagree with me and put her through.
And now, it's time for the truly pitiful one. Yojima (or as he prefers to call himself: Yo-Pop) thinks he is channeling Michael Jackson, by way of Miley Cyrus. I'm not going to waste my time with this, or with the Miley Cyrus montage that follows.
Brielle VanHugel is 16. Her father is a singer, and a cancer survivor, with the whiff of Stage Dad. Brielle wears a flower in her hair (there's one every year), and has awful scrunchy booties. She sings Endless Love in an okay voice. It doesn't do anything for me but the judges like her. We'll see if Dad can step back, or if this is all going to be about him. I have my doubts.
The final auditioner tonight is another sob story. Travis Orlando (16, with a twin named Timmy) is from the Bronx. He had a tough childhood that included living in a shelter. He has the look that this show drools over. His choice of Eleanor Ribgy is interesting, though he adds far too much embroidery to his performance. The judges ask him to sing something else, and he chooses that song by Jazon Mraz, and does a better job with it. This show is gonna love this kid. Let's hope his mom finds herself a stylist.
51 tickets were given out in Jersey, and as usual, we saw only a small percentage of them. Some things never change.
Tomorrow night- New Orleans.
Show- I tried to quit you, but it didn't work. I'll be there. Sigh.
I have to say, I started reading your blog for the knitting. However, I don't even watch American Idol, and I love your recaps!
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