AI Season 10 Top 3 Performance, 05/18/11

Two hours tonight? Seriously? This is going to be excruciating.

We open with Randy, back at audition time, talking to Lauren. And then to Haley, and Scotty. Oh, that's right- it's Hometown Visit Week. They'll be able to fill up a bunch of minutes with that.

Randy is dressed like a physics teacher, in a blue cardigan, white shirt, and yellow and blue plaid tie. I just noticed Randy's pitiful little mustache. Was that always there?

JLo is in a dark spangly sheath with tattered, filmy, short sleeves. Her hair is wound in one of those hair-tumor updos.

Steven is dressed in a Steven outfit, nothing different, or interesting there.

Ryan has his hair parted on the other side tonight. He tells us that next week's Finale shows will be on Tuesday and Wednesday. I hope that they go back to Tue/Wed next year (and of course there will be a next year. The show never went lower then #3 in the ratings all season). Oh, that's nice: James got a Home Visit too.

I'm pretty sure that the guy in the dog suit, sitting next to Elijah Wood, is there to shill for a new show, though Ryan does not confirm that. Nor does he mention that Priscilla Presley is in the house.

The kids are singing 3 songs tonight. And we're all stuck with Beyonce. yeesh.

#1. Scotty chooses to sing something by Lone Star. Beyonce is mentoring, and for the first time, I notice how much she looks like Miley Cyrus-it's something about how she holds her mouth, I think. Or maybe it's the annoying speaking voice. She's wearing a tan shorts outfit,. Her blonde hair is lank, and it doesn't compliment her skin tone at all. Anyway, Scotty is wearing a red plaid shirt and a denim jacket. He's leaning on the piano, which at least gives him a reason to tilt. However, he is keeping one hand off the microphone. He starts out low, and then he reaches for some high(er) notes. This is nice, as always.

#2. Lauren has chosen Faith Hill. She's wearing a red and white handkerchief top, jeans tucked into white boots, and huge daisy earrings. The Hub wonders who is dressing that child. I assume that she's dressing herself, which is the problem. This song has something to do with a Wild One, who may or may not be Lauren herself. Lauren is strutting, and singing to the guitarist, and slapping her hip playfully. There were a couple of wonky notes in there, but overall, the performance was just fine.

#3. Haley and Beyonce have a Shorts-Off, and neither wins. I'm glad that she changed for the performance. Haley begins by hanging over a door that has been set at the top of the big center staircase. She then sings and walks down the stairs in heels , and she does not fall though I catch my breath a little with every step. Haley's dad is playing backup guitar, which is a first for the show. She's wearing a short, black dress with flapper fringes, which she twirls as she heads off the stage, and down and around the judges. Oh shit- she just tripped and fell going back up the two steps to center stage. But she recovered seamlessly- I don't think she missed a single note. I give her props for that. Actually, I give her props all the way around. I don't know this song (is it Janis?), but she did it well. I do wonder about Haley's propensity to select songs that 90% of the audience does not know, though I guess it has worked for her so far.

Round #1 goes to Haley, mostly for recovering from her fall so gracefully.

Round #2 has songs that Jimmy Iovine chose for the kids. The camera pans across Elijah Wood, who looks like he wishes he was somewhere, anywhere, else.

#4. I had forgotten that Scotty had very short hair for his audition. Oh yeah, that was Steven's Duck and the Word That Rhymes With Duck moment. A high point, fer shure. Jimmy chooses some song that I do not know. Scotty is in a blue plaid shirt, and he's playing a guitar, and is musically wondering if the girls are going to kiss him tonight (answer: if they get the chance, you damn betcha). Scotty needs to anchor those eyebrows- they're out of control: up and down, up and down. I will be very surprised if Scotty does not win this thing, and though I'm not much of a country fan, I might buy his CD. Oh no, Jennifer- please don't ask him to shave his head again.

#5. Lauren is getting her legs made up because her pantyhose tore. Ryan pretends that he wants to help. Oh Ryan, you're not fooling anyone. In Lauren's audition, we see that she always dressed terribly, though I'm glad that she discovered shampoo in the interim. On stage, she's wearing perhaps the cutest thing I've seen her in yet- a party dress with a white satin, full skirt with a black tulle underskirt, and a black sparkly bodice. It flatters Lauren's figure, and she looks totally adorable. Iovine chooses If I Die Young, and of course, I do not know it. But she sounds really good. Why does Lauren's mother have a microphone? Oh- so Ryan can ask her inane questions.

#6. Haley's audition reminds us that she tried out last season and did not make it. She had too much growl back then too. Tonight, she's wearing a drapey, floaty dress made of pewter silk. It has a braided tie belt, and a scarf hanging from her shoulder. Iovine chooses Rhiannon, and I fall over in surprise that  someone has chosen a song that I know (unless there's another Rhiannon out there, one by Katy Perry and Lady Gaga with a video where they fight aliens by shooting them with their assorted body parts). Nope, Haley is doing Stevie Nicks, only instead of the goat vibrato, we get growling. This is okay, but not amazing. Her stationary performance consists pretty much of swiveling her hips and squatting, neither of which appeals to me.

Round 2 Winner: Lauren

And now we "get" to see Beyonce's new video: Run the World, Girls, which is set somewhere on the road to the Thunderdome, with Beyonce playing every character. For one costume, she's wearing a leotard and a shortie fur shrug. She does this shoulder shaking thing that I think is supposed to be dancing, but mostly it looks like she's being electrocuted. I laugh out loud. Literally. It is followed by even more ridiculous "dance moves". As far as I can tell, the message is that pelvis-thrusting girls in bustiers and garters are very powerful. Or something like that. I would comment on the singing, but I don't think there was any.

For Round 3, the kids are given their Judge's Choice during their Hometown Visits (which we'll see in detail tomorrow night, I assume).

#7. Scotty is in Garner, NC, at the store where he used to work. The Judges have chosen She Believes in Me. He's wearing a printed tee and a blue blazer that looks like it's too small. Scotty sounds uncharacteristically strained on this Kenny Rogers chestnut, as though he's pushing too hard. I think the entire song is off-key. Ryan goads Scotty's dad into singing a couple of bars of something, so we now know where that voice comes from.

You know what? All subway commercials are insulting and stupid, and they always have been. But I really really really hate that one where ordinary-size people fall through the floor, pop pool floaties, tear hammocks, and break chairs because they're not eating Subway sandwiches. Hate.

#8. Lauren gets word in Roscoe, GA, that they've chosen I Hope You Dance for her. She's wearing a sparkly seafoam green prom dress. This dress is pretty, but it's not as flattering as the last one- I think the waist is too long for her. This song is not interesting in the least, but Lauren sings the hell out of it.

#9. Maybe Haley didn't have an audience. She gets word about her song while she's alone, in a limo. Oh no... they've saddled her with You Ought to Know, which is not a TV appropriate song. Haley's wearing black leggings and a blue lace undershirt, and she asks her hypothetical lout of a boyfriend "will she go out with you to the theater?" Interesting lyric change there, show. Haley is singing an Alanis song very Alanissy. But since I can go my whole life happily without listening to any of the Morissette Oeuvre, and I've never loved Haley, I suspect that everyone else will like this a lot more than I do.

Round 3 winner: Lauren

I've ranked the rounds as Haley, Lauren, and Lauren, but since I still think that Scotty is going to win, my guess is that Haley is going home tomorrow. On the other hand, I've said that every Wednesday for the last 8 or 9 weeks. She may end up with the crown after all, just to spite me.