We open with a Freddie Mercury quote, and segue to Queen quotes, Randy quotes, Elise, Skylar, Phil. Steven, Hollie, Joshua and Jessica quotes. All of this is setup for the punchline: Another one bites the dust.
Ryan wastes very little time on the Judge Entry, so I can't tell at first whether Randy's leather jacket is brown or black. I can, however, clearly see that the front of his dark tee shirt says Yo Yo Yo in big letters. Steven is in a white shirt, a black vest, and a dark arm band, like he's a riverboat gambler. JLo is in a very short, very tight lace dress (over a nude underdress). It has big black spangles, and an open back. Her hair is in a messy updo. Ryan is wearing a charcoal three-piece suit over a blue shirt with a white collar, and a puce pocket square.
Ryan says that 58 million votes were cast, and then he threatens us with Katy Perry and Stefano.
First on stage is a Queen Tribute band whose members were chosen by Queen themselves. I don't know why Queen is concerning itself with hand-selecting their own replacements, but at least the band sounds good. I'm enjoying this more than most of the guest singers. Then the curtains open, and the rest of Queen joins the Tribute Band. This whole scenario makes no sense to me.
The Fordmercial has Skylar shopping, and the rest of the kids (minus Phil, who is nowhere to be seen) practicing magic. It also has Hollie and Joshua making hearts out of little fishies. It's every bit as lame as it sounds.
We waste time on clips of the kids visiting TMZ. Harvey Levin is creepy and wizened and orange and nasty.
Ryan calls Jessica and Elise down.
Jessica is wearing a turquoise skirt, an orange top, and a gray denim vest. Iovine says that Jessica's Bohemian Rhapsody was a mistake but that she bought back good will with her last song.
Elise is wearing Aunt Grace's peach bed jacket over a short, blue butt-hugging dress, and a flowered headband. Iovine thinks that both of Elise's songs were mistakes, though for different reasons.
I am thoroughly tired of Ryan jerking the kids around on Elimination Night. He toys with Jessica and then sends her to safety. Elise pouts over to the Stools of Shame.
And since we have endless time to waste, Ryan sits down with Casey Abrams, who looks like a bearded, bushy-haired mountain man. I love me some Casey, but there's no reason for him to be on stage tonight. I think maybe he flew in with Stefano.
Speaking of Stefano, he's wearing an incredibly drapey black leather jacket, black jeans, and red shoes. In fact, all of his Backup Boys are wearing red shoes. There is an awful lot of computer assistance in this vocal. The whole thing (the song, the vocal, the presentation) is pretty sorry, and it gets sorrier when some other dude starts rapping. Stefano skips and lip-syncs over to the judges, where he greets Steven and JLo. Randy desperately angles for a fist bump.
Commercial Note: You could not pay me to see Dark Shadows.
Next down are Hollie and Joshua.
Hollie is wearing a white tank top, an orange and peach hankie skirt (which has what looks like a bright green stain) and a belt. Iovine says Hollie's first song ended up being out of tune but her second song maybe sort of bought her some time. Iovine hopes.
Joshua is wearing a denim jacket over a black shirt. Iovine liked Joshua's first song (boo!) and loved his second and says if Joshua goes home tonight, something is wrong with the Show and America. Tell us what you really think, Jimmy, why dontcha.
But I guess nothing is wrong with either one because Joshua is safe and Hollie joins Elise.
Commercial Note: Steven shills for Burger King, JLo stumps for Kohl's. What does Randy represent, outside of a life filled with bitterness and babble?
Katy Perry Apocalypse Nows onto a smoky stage, dangling from a "helicopter", along with eight of her closest camo-shorts-clad girlfriends. Katy and her purple hair and knee pads dance and prance and do calisthenics. The Soldier Besties work some business with nets and broken fences, then they march and Riverdance to an audience that does not include any judges (which means that this performance was taped earlier).
Skylar is wearing a blue dress with knife pleats, a cardigan, and sparkly boots. Iovine thinks her #1 song was good and #2 was self-indulgent and may not have had broad enough appeal.
Phil is colorful for Phil, in a lighter blue tee and a green shirt. Iovine says that Phil didn't feel well last night (first we've heard of that), and therefore his #1 song was lacking, and #2 was not right for the show. He's worried about Phil tonight.
Ryan sends Phil to safety, and Skylar to the Bottom 3, where she spends approximately 3 seconds before Ryan rescues her.
So, it's down to Hollie and Elise, which surprises exactly no one. And Elise is going home, which is also not a surprise to anyone, especially Elise, who actually looks relieved that the hammer finally fell. Elise sings herself out with Whole Lotta Love. I liked Elise, but she didn't play the game well enough, and there was absolutely zero chance that she could win. I wish her well, and I'll probably buy her eventual album.
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