Ryan opens inside tonight, and reminds us, on the very off chance that we've forgotten, that tonight is live voting and that five of the ten guys will head home tomorrow.
Ryan is wearing a nice pewter suit. Nicki is still in her blonde bangsy wig. She's wearing a white dress with cap sleeves and an all-over hexagon mosaic motif. Once again, she has nude lipstick. Randy is in a black leather jacket with embroidered accents. Mariah is in a lavender top with a deeply scooped neck and a black cardigan. Her hair has been flat-ironed, and she's also sporting colorless lips.
#1. Elijah Liu hastens to assure us that he loves the ladies. I don't know if he's verging into Justin Beiber Creepiness or if he's protesting too much, but either way, I don't ever want to hear him talk about women again. Or girls. He's wearing an army jacket with rucked up sleeves over a long-sleeved white tee. His hair, once again, is sticking straight up. My, my, he's nasal up in his nasal (tm Paula). Whatever song this is, it has a very military drum cadence in it.
K: Clarifies that the song is Rhianna's
N: Liked it but not enthusiastically
R: Liked this week better than last week, but Elijah stayed in first gear
M: Mentions that Elijah is commercial. Does not say much about the singing
#2. Cortez looks a bit like Sam Cooke, which is not a bad way to look. He's wearing khaki pants, a long-sleeved white tee, and a denim vest. I have no idea what this song is (The Hub says it's Bruno Mars). Cortez is dancing and performing well, but this is not a song for the showing off of vocal prowess. Or the ability to remember complex lyrics.
K: Begins by asking Cortez how he felt about it, which is never a good sign
N: Is glad that Cortez enjoyed himself, but he needs a new stylist
R: For once gives an actual, musical critique
M: ummmm....
#3. Charlie is the male Zonette: unpredictable and interesting, but lacking the talent to outweigh the weirdness, or the ability to tell when weirdness is called for and when it's just plain weird. Charlie is very proud of his tiny baby mustache, which is sad. His hair is pulled back into a messy pony tail, and he's wearing a black and white tie-dyed tank top. This Genesis song is more shouty than melodic, but Charlie did okay with it.
K: wonders what the people at home are saying (Me: We're mostly just shaking our heads), and says that Charlie might be better as the front man for a band.
Note: Charlie's face begins to fall
N: Wonders where her little boy is, and wants the old weird Charlie back, as opposed to the new weird Charlie
Note: Charlie's eyes get red
R: Not good, man, not good
Note: Charlie might throw up
M: Tries to let Charlie down gently.
Note: A devastated Charlie barely holds back the tears, and in a shaky voice tries to explain what it's like to be Charlie. Ryan does his best to buck Charlie up, but I fear it's a hopeless cause. I hope Charlie goes home- he's not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough for this. That was brutal to watch.
#4. Nick Boddington is this year's Stupid Hat. He explains that it's a style choice, chosen by his male-pattern baldness. In his rehearsal clip, I think I catch a glimpse of Katharine McPhee's mother as a vocal coach. Nick is wearing a short sleeved chambray shirt, and of course, a hat. He's sitting at the piano, and this ballad is nice. Nick's eyes are following the camera too much, but otherwise, this is fine.
K: Perfect song choice despite some nervousness
N: Fooled with the melody too much, and wishes Nick had just sung the song as written
R: Not Nick's best, but he liked the changes
M: Kicked in at the end, and she hopes the voters will remember Nick's previous performances
#5: Burnell looked better before he lost forty pounds. Back then he looked like a grownup, now he looks like a kid. Last week he was dressed like Urkel, tonight he's channeling Dwayne Wayne in a backward hat made from upholstery fabric, tortoise shell glasses, a peach shirt, and an acid washed jacket. Burnell plants his feet at the microphone and does not step away. To make up for it, his hands are in constant motion. It's distracting. His voice and performance (I think the song is CC) are okay but not at all my style.
K: Standing O- loved it x 3
N: Faint praise
R: Liked the urgency Burnell's voice- also loved it x3
M: Moved to tears
Commercial note: Can The Increcible Burt Wonderstone be anything but awful?
#6. Paul Jolley is wearing a black rayon shirt. Paul Jolley was an extra in some C/W videos. Paul Jolley drops Carrie Underwood's name. Paul Jolley has that Logan Echolls look about him. The backup singers are doing the heavy lifting here, and there is nothing natural or comfortable about Paul Jolley's wide-eyed stage presence. Paul Jolley is trying way too hard. Methinks I'd best enjoy those melodious syllables whilst I can.
K: What kind of artist are you? (PJ: A male Taylor Swift) (Me: Dude, seriously?)
N: Advises Paul Jolley to listen to Keith
R: Likes Paul Jolley's soft tone
M: Babble babble
#7. Lazaro still looks like Chuck Bartowski in his pink shirt and white jacket. No bow tie tonight. He's singing something jazzy and he has a nice voice, but I think his enunciation issues stem more from having parents whose first language is not English, than any stuttering problem. This is fine, but man, it skews elderly. Lazaro and his pretty pretty smile will be a big hit on the Casino circuit.
K: Audience loves Lazaro. Neglects to mention Lazaro's singing, or what he thought of it
N: Loved the song and Lazaro
R: In it to win it
M: Impressed mostly because of that *s* word, which she does not say out loud
#8. Curtis Finch Jr. is anxious to prove that he is not his father. He doesn't seem anxious to prove himself unlike the jerk he was during Hollywood week. I do not like Curtis Finch Jr's personality, and I really really really don't like his singing style. He's singing I Believe I Can Fly. Of course he is. This entire performance is all squinty eyes, excessive runs, flipping up and down the octaves for no reason or warning, and ending with very high and very long notes. It's everything I hated about Jacob Lusk and Joshua Ledet, x10. Bleargh.
So of course, he gets a 4-way Standing O.
K: Oozes God, or something
N: Every. Single. Time. Divine. Calling.
R: Yo, give props to R. Kelly (Me: Let's hear it for peeing on underage girls! Woot!)
M: Thank you
#9. Devin looks exactly like Tintin in a red sweater over a striped shirt and black bow tie. He sings Impossible, which is a very old, and a very old-style, song. It's slow, and it's boring, and when he flips into Spanish (just like last week except that I noticed it this time) it feels like pandering.
K: The beginning was shaky, but Devin found the zone
N: Muy bien. Nicki then trots out the only other Spanish word she knows: Gordo
R: Loves the tone and vibrato
M: Incredible performance
#10. Vincent shows Nick that bald is beautiful. He's wearing a lavender blazer with satin piping over a purple and white print shirt. He's singing something bluesy and he's hitting some nice high notes, but he's also embroidering way too much. He's obviously pleased with himself but there are no Standing O's.
K: Nerves got the best of Vincent
N: Overcompensating
R: Not lovin' it
M: Moments of brilliance.
Tomorrow night, five of these guys will go home (along with five of the ladies). As far as I'm concerned, all ten of the guys could go and just keep the girls (including Zoanette- she'd hit the road the week afterward), but that's not how it's going to play out. The show has stacked the deck very well indeed- even if a guy wins (something that looks highly unlikely), he won't be a Cute White Guy with a Guitar, which is the entire point of this season.
Who do I think is staying? I can't stand him, but Curtis Finch Jr. isn't going anywhere. I think Nick and Lazaro might also make the cut. Otherwise, I have no clue. We'll find out tomorrow.
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