AI Season 10- Nashville Auditions, 1-27-11

We open with a rather gay young fellow. He has crayon red hair, a red plaid shirt, shorts, and black knee boots. He knocks some buildings down with a high note. Welcome to Nashville, where nearly double the predicted number of people showed up. Steven Tyler is wearing a blue print shirt that looks like it's made from '70's Qiana, and a vest. Randy is in a lavender button-down shirt. JLo is in a white jacket, cleavage, lots of eyelashes and major finger bling. The sacred name of Underwood is invoked, and they're doing the auditions at the Ryman Auditorium at the Grand 'Ol Opry.

#1 is Christina McCaffrey (side note: I loved the Pern books). She's blond, has a shiny face, a flowered dress and shrug, and a helium voice. She starts singing (badly) before she even gets into the room, and is too ridiculous to talk about. She's also deluded, telling her identical mother that Steven Tyler liked her.

#2-3 are something entirely new for AI- a pair of ex's. Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks used to be a couple, they used to live together, and are no longer even friends. But they do still sing together. They're being presented as a Gimmick Audition, so my expectations are low. But surprise surprise- they sing a duet, and their country harmonies are lovely. Then Rob sings a solo and schools last night's dude on Marvin Gaye. Chelsea solos next. She has a nice voice, though there's a lot of vibrato. She's not as good solo as Rob is. Chelsea's current boyfriend is out in the hallway, and he is less than amused that both Rob andChelsea made it through. Together. Whether or not there is real drama, there is no doubt that the show is hoping for DRAMA once they all get to Hollywood.

#4 is Al Lewis, a tattoo artist and biker wannabe, with a beard, bandanna, and a sleeveless vest over a sleeveless t-shirt. He makes a possibly racist comment that throws JLo for a moment (something about vanilla and chocolate ice cream), and he comes off like a minor Jack Black character. He's a really terrible singer, but very philosophical.

#5 is Stormi Henley (seriously, it's on her birth certificate). She was Miss Teen USA in 2009, and she's the very definition of pageant, with lots of cleavage, and cowboy boots. She's quite pretty, but her weak voice doesn't do a thing for me. The vote is Tyler: yes, and Lopez: no, so it's up to Randy, and of course, he lets her through. JLo is disgusted with the men. So am I.

Next up is a string of rejects, including a guy with assorted facial studs, who can barely keep from sobbing.

#6, Adrienne Beasley, is the African American adopted daughter of understated but supportive white farmers. I wouldn't mention their respective colors, but Adrienne herself, (and by extension, the show) made a pretty big deal of it. She has a lovely voice. Note to Adrienne's Dad: Not to worry, AI will pay her way to Hollywood.

Day 2- Tyler is in another stupid black hat, black shirt, and necklace. I can't tell if Randy's cardigan is a mottled foggy gray, or if it's actually translucent and he's wearing a white t-shirt underneath. JLo is in a wide sparkly headband, and an off the shoulder top (or maybe it's a dress- she doesn't stand up, so I can't tell) with a sort of tribal black and white print.

#1, Camilla Something (I can't read my notes), is 28 and 5'2". She says she has a Big Voice, so I sit back, waiting to be blown away. I was, if by blown away, I really mean horrified. She's terrible.

I am not going to describe the Blue Man (nor will I say why I am certain that he was male). We're bombarded by a whole lot of people who weep copiously when they learn what awful singers they are.

#2 Jackie Wilson, is the closest to a Big Girl that we've seen so far this season, and she's barely chubby. She's blond, and is wearing a short denim skirt that looks just fine on her. I don't like what she's doing to Till You Come Back to Me, but she has a real voice, and the judges are impressed. She trots her Golden Ticket out Ryan, where she is congratulated by her Mom and Dad. And then her wrinkled dad gives her a big old lingering kiss on the lips an Ryan just about falls over, until they clarify that this 50 year old guy is really 28 year old Jackie's boyfriend.

#3 LaToya "Younique" Moore is wearing an obviously homemade royal blue prom dress, trimmed with glitter tape. She takes one copy of her homemade CD album in for the Judges to share, and is just as deluded as she is talentless, refusing to believe that they won't pass her on to the next round.
#4,5,6 come in quick succession. Paul McDonald does Rod Stewart with a thin voice that I don't find pleasing. Jimmie Allen is smooth, but overdoes the embroidery. And Danny Pate is big and rumpled and pretty good. All three move on.

#7, Matt Dillard, is all Deliverance, in a black tank top, overalls, and a battered straw hat. He gets a few minutes of back story: his family takes in special needs foster kids. He has a great deep speaking voice, but his singing voice is pure Josh Groban in church. He has really beautiful eyes, and a great sense of humor. JLo says no, but the guys say yes. I agree with all of them- he's good, but he needs to step it up, or he's going to be swallowed whole.

And as per the Season 10 custom, the last auditioner of the night, gets the full Magilla. #8 is 15 year old Lauren Alaina. Lauren is a very tall, solid girl, with great big, multi-shade hair that is kind of ratty. Her sob story is that she's very close to her cousin, who had a brain tumor. In general, the combo of being 15 and the almost-terminal-disease hook would annoy me, but for some reason, I'm liking Lauren. She's wearing a print bubble dress with a cute little black shrug, over black leggings. She has a Big Voice, but really, she needs to go home and wait another year, and get a little more experience under her belt before jumping into the meat grinder. But the judges unanimously love love love her. They call her family in, and Lauren and Tyler sing Aerosmith together. Steven manages not to leer at Lauren in front of her really young-looking Daddy, which is a good thing.

Next week, we find out if everything really is bigger in Texas.