Wednesday, May 21, 2014

American Idol Season 13- Finale 05-21-14

Well my little hot buttered honey biscuits, this is it! Let's get this ball a rollin'.

Elevator shots. Or that room where the kids all sweated before they went in to their auditions, the one that looks like an elevator. Jena and Caleb are back there again, having stilted, scripted conversation, and then exiting to the big big audience. Oh Jena, what the hell are you wearing? Those jeans look like she is having a... no other way to put it... a feminine hygiene accident. Caleb is singing We Will Rock You, Meatloafin' it up all over the stage. And now Jena is singing something I don't recognize, surrounded by a bunch of dancer girls all dressed in black and white. Caleb is wearing a regular Caleb outfit- all black. In case you're not watching, Jena's pants have a red strip running from the waist, down around the crotch and back up the back, like a neon sign pointing at an underage girl's lady bits. And stripes down the legs. The rest is red gingham. But no words can adequately describe the horror.

Ryan is not wearing anything forcing us to contemplate his nethers, thank goodness. He's wearing a very nice black tux with a bow tie. JLo is, once again, in a very short dress. This time, all silver spangles and long sleeves. Harry is wearing a black velvet jacket, and even Keith has a tie.

Ryan calls Jena and Caleb back onstage and reminds them that tonight is the night. Both awkwardly say it's the journey, not the destination. Yeah, right.

Epic surprises, eh Ryan? Sam Woolf singing Phil Phillips's winning song does not exactly qualify. Sam is wearing the Stupid Hat, and a wool jacket. Then Phil himself comes out and segues into his new single. I will say that Home is the best winner's song this show has ever come up with. You can't throw a cat without hearing it these days, not that I spend time tossing felines. It manages not to annoy the bejabbers out of me. His new song isn't quite as catchy, though JLo and Keith are singing along, and even HCJ looks like he's having fun. Well, I suppose they are- they get tomorrow off!

Jennifer Nettles, looking like Kirsten Dunst, in  white shirt and black jeans with embroidered roses is singing That Girl, which is not about Marlo Thomas or Zooey Deschanel. Jennifer's blouse is transparent, but embroidery heavy over the boobs. Jessica comes out in a black dress with spangly stripes, and my lordy, they're singing Wrecking Ball. Gah!

Lots of folks in the audience- so far I've spotted Jane Lynch, some other girl I recognize, Hailey Reinhart, Scott Whatever his name who Ryan tried to high five (not a good idea since Scott can't see... is it okay to say blind these days?). When I recognize anyone in the audience, I'll just throw the name in. Except for Randy Jackson, who is wearing a pink jacket and a shirt with a zipper front. Sigh.

Randy: babblebabblebabblebabble

JLo is singing another of her new songs. At least it's not called I Luh You Papi. Goodness, she's only wearing a  bit of netting and some blue fringes. Lots of leg. Lots of hair swirling. A bit of butt. That JLo is a pretty woman. Not much of a singer, though. Instead, she moves around on stage a lot in her teeny tiny little outfit. Now she's up on the judge's desk, flashing that beauteous bottom at everyone.
I read that this was taped last night, so she won't be all sweaty when she rejoins the judges.

KISS and Caleb, sittin' in a tree. HCJ is standing up! And dancing a bit. Well, he's not working now, he can just enjoy himself, which he appears to be doing. KISS is in full regalia, and if I had my eyes closed, I wouldn't know which voice was Caleb's. This is the kind of music he was born to make, and one way or another, I assume he will be able to do it. It's really nice to see HCJ smiling and having fun- he took his judging job seriously, and that part of the show is done for this season. Oh lord, there's Caleb's younger brother, trotting out in KISS makeup. I'm tired of this kid already.

Bad Lip Reading, which is hilarious... but it doesn't lend itself to recapping. Trust me, it's funny (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, check You Tube for Bad Lip Reading videos).

Aloe Blacc and the guys. I saw Aloe Blacc on The Voice and he did not impress me as being The Man at all. And I think he's out of tune now too. Dexter, Ben, CJ and Sam- none of them sound good. Alex and Caleb are singing now. Alex is trying to dance. Perhaps Alex should not do that. I think the sound mixing is off, we're hearing more audience than singers and the audience cannot carry a tune.

Ah, it's time to give the kids their new cars. Majesty and Sam delivered a box of kittens to Jena, and then showed them their new Mustangs. Jena chose her choir teacher as a mentor, and Caleb chose a band member. Both are at the finale, and now they both get Ford Fusions. They seem surprised, so perhaps neither has ever seen this show before.

Demi Lovato... why? You know how much I hate hats? Well, I hate half-shaved heads even more. Demi pretends to be fierce. She's not fooling anyone. Majesty, still dressed like an adorable eight year old, sings far better. Emily Piriz and Malaya and Jessica, and that girl who wore shorty shorts all the time, who was eliminated early on and whose name I absolutely cannot remember. Jena is on stage now. She can outsing Demi with her little finger. I have a sinking feeling that she'll be around next season. I just realized, MK wasn't there. Where is she?

Jena is at the piano, in electric yellow and a charcoal jacket. This song brings out all the screechiness in Jena's voice. She introduces Paramore, whose lead singer is wearing her paw-print pj bottoms, and a crop tank top that says Be Nice. Oh the back says *or go away*. I can live with that sentiment. Jena is wearing black leather pants now, which are 1000% better than the pants she had on earlier. Oh, Paramore (I have no idea what her name is) has shaggy, multi-colored hair. Huge balloons have been released and the audience is bouncing them all around. Someone is going to pop one and I will jump. I don't like balloons, even when they're 2,000 miles away. The theater looks like a giant lava lamp, though, which is rather cool.

John Legend, singing You and I, showing Aloe Blacc who is actually the man. This is a pretty song. Now Malaya is out to sing with him. I'll bet she's just about exploding. Her hair is straight, and she's in black and white. I think Malaya is singing in too high a key, her voice sounds thin, and it's usually very rich. Her braces are gone! That was nice.

Just in case we have forgotten what we just spent the last five months watching, Ryan recaps the entire process. Thanks for that Ryan.

Alex and Jason Mraz, singing Love Someone. Alex is in a mustard yellow jacket and yet another blouse. Mraz still has that teeny little scraggly beard. Their voices blend very nicely. I didn't wish for Alex to win, because when my favorites win, they get no respect. But I still liked him best this season, and he's the only one this year whose album I might possibly buy. This is the best collaboration performance tonight.

Ryan is going to sing??? Seriously? Okay, not seriously at all. I am a terrible singer and yet I am better than Ryan, but I am certain that he knows that. Richard Marx is here, playing the piano, and Ryan is wailing good naturedly. I don't know why though. I cannot fathom the purpose of that bit.

Keith Urban moves and writhes. JLo bounces and can walk in heels and her dresses get noticed. Harry knows music inside and out, and likes to lecture a bit. Keith says odd things, JLo is pretty, Harry was intimidating. I did like this panel- they were entertaining throughout, and they had a great chemistry.

CJ gets to sing with Hootie! There's some gray in his beard, but he sounds the same. I wonder if CJ can stay anywhere near the key. Oh, Dexter is out there too. CJ can still connect with an audience, even if he's out of tune. I hope he does okay. Hootie's cowboy boots have a rather elfin curl at the end. Odd. That sounded just fine.

And once again, where is MK Nobilette? The fact that they're not mentioning her at all is ominous.


Caleb and Jena are singing the drunk dialing song, but Lady Antebellum isn't singing it. Lady (stands to reason, right?) is wearing  very spangly long jacket over all black. The guys are dressed mostly like Keith Urban. This song isn't as catchy as the drunk ditty, but the audience appears to be enjoying it. I thought one, or more, of the kids would sing with them, but nope. It's just the Antes.

Ryan is standing in the audience with both sets of families, talking to the moms. Gosh, scripted banter is fun.

Oh dear- Keith, Harry, JLo and Randy Jackson are all on stage. This was taped last night. Whoa doggies, JLo's girls are barely restrained in lace and spangles. They're singing True Colors, and JLo is singing in a nice little-girl voice while the others accompany. That was unexpectedly pretty. Now they've segued into Fleetwood Mac, and that's fun too. There is no back to JLo's dress bodice, and given that most of the front is transparent, the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction is there. I think Randy is wearing a long coat, but at first, I thought he had a skirt on. Anyway, that was less painful than I expected.

We're down to 3 minutes left. Seems like there's something else they were going to do tonight. Maybe they can squeeze it in now. Jena is wearing a white blouse and a black leather skirt. Caleb has a black and white print jacket. They are pretty darn cute together.

Well, here's the envelope. Ryan flashes it around a bit, and.... and.... and... the Season 13 American Idol is....

Caleb Johnson!

I think Jena would have been better served by being saddled with the title, but I'm okay with this. Caleb is extremely talented. The top finalists were all extremely talented this year, come to think of it. So why was the show such a trial? Beats the hell outta me. I hope Caleb won't disappear now. He was going to sing, but he was too overcome with emotion, which is also cool.

Everyone joined Caleb on stage, and MK Nobilette definitely isn't there. That's why we got Leggy McShortyshorts tonight. I want to know what happened.

The show is running over, and the confetti has finally fallen.

That. Was. American. Idol.

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