We open with an animation and assorted characters I don't recognize, including a Prince and a slug and a guy named Professor. Aah- they're from Epic, a movie I have no intention of seeing. So, did you know that we'll learn who are the finalists tonight? If you didn't know that already, you know it now. And you'll know it again in five minutes. And regularly throughout the show, because Ryan can't stop reminding us. He also broadly hints that Randy may be making an announcement later.
Nicki is wearing a short sleeveless, scoop-neck black dress with a full skirt. For some reason, she's walking across the stage in that weird cross-legged catwalk stride. I have nothing to back this up, but have a feeling that she's doing it to make fun of Mariah. Speaking of whom, Mariah is wearing a mid-calf, tight red sheath. Randy is in a black wool blazer with wide lapels and another *thing* of some sort pinned to the breast pocket. Ryan is in a crisp black suit and tie, and a white shirt.
The girls sing Who Says, a song I've never heard, and never need to hear again. Actually, I'm not hearing it now because there is something wrong with all three hand-held mikes. It doesn't matter anyway because the tune is a non-entity. Kree, however, looks as relaxed and happy as I've ever seen her on stage. Knowing she's going to be eliminated has done wonders for her mood.
The last (I hope) Ford Fiesta Mission sends the girls off to meet with a high school choir. Either the choir members were coached, or they actually did recognize The Three. They seemed impressed, anyway.
Jimmy Iovine Opines on Round 1, saying exactly what he did on Wednesday: Angie won Round 1, though she should have played the piano.
Season 10's Runner Up, Lauren Alaina is here to sing a song from her new album. We see a montage of her audition and other clips. Eighteen year old Lauren doesn't look a day over thirty-two. This is one hard teenager, with her blonde shellacked hair, black pants with gathered hems, high heels, and a high-necked halter top which is half black and half white. Her song is Barefoot and Buckwild, and her performance involves a lot of high stepping and strutting which only needs flapping arms akimbo to turn it into a chicken walk.
For Round 2, Jimmy says that the judges loved their own song choices, and that Kree had the best back story and song.
Mariah took the girls into the studio, ostensibly to teach them wisdom about artistic choices, but really it's to introduce her own new video in which she becomes very familiar with her motorcycle in front of a green screen and a wind machine. I swear that her voice (what little there is of it, in this "song"), sounds autotuned. If there's one person in the entire recording industry who should not need autotuning, it's Mariah Freaking Carey. Makes no sense to me.
Then we get a clip package from Adam Lambert, who is on tour in Singapore. He's dressed like the unholy love child of Kurt Russell, Elvis Presley, and an Avon lady's sample case.
Beautiful Alicia Keys is on stage (though with no judges in the audience, so it was pre-taped), singing her new song, Tears Always Win. Her short, straight hair has a side part, and she's wearing a black bustier and... well something dark, but she doesn't stand up, so I don't know if it's pants or a skirt, or shorts, or what. The song reminds me of This Girl is on Fire- it has sort of the same rhythm, but it has a lot more words and has a Gospel feel, and is, all in all, a much better song. Note to Angie: See? You don't have to bounce around on the piano stool.
For Round 3, Jimmy says that the judges didn't like the producers' song choices and that Candice gave the performance of the night (also exactly what he said on Wednesday).
One nice thing about watching the show later: fast-forwarding through the commercials gets us to the meat of the episode a whole lot quicker. The girls are sitting together, holding hands. Candice is in a zebra-striped top, a white jacket with short sleeves, and black pants. Angie is in a black straight skirt with a lighter diamond pattern, and a white top. And booties. Kree is in a leather sleeveless vest over a black tee shirt, and very weirdly pleated black pants. Candice and Kree both look like they're going to throw up, Angie looks like a kid on Christmas morning, itching to get at the presents.
Ryan dims the lights and names the first Season 12 Finalist... and.... it's Candice!!!!!! Yay Yay Yay Yay. The judges give her a 4-way Standing O, the audience goes purely crazy, and Lazaro can barely contain his excitement. Candice looks gobsmacked.
And then, Ryan names the second Season 12 Finalist... Kree looks sad but resigned and Angie grins even wider... and... it's Kree!!!! Kree is stunned. The judges are stunned. The audience is stunned. Angie is frozen, her smile is glued in place but her eyes are wide and unbelieving.
By the time Ryan gets over to Angie to hand her the mike for her singout, she's already crying. She's doing her best to hold it together, but man, she's falling apart as she watches her video journey. She's so emotional that she has to give up singing, and is joined by her dad, brother, and dry-eyed mother.
Candice and Kree are the Final Two of my dreams, and I can't even pretend to be sorry that Angie isn't in the running, but I do acknowledge her talent. I suspect she'll do just fine.
So next week we can put this season to bed. It's about damn time.
P.S. Despite Ryan's broad hint, Randy did not announce his resignation.
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