Thursday, January 24, 2013

AI Season 12 Baton Rouge Auditions

We're in Louisiana. Down on the bayou there are snapping turtles, gators, and some toothless folk.

Randy is wearing a white shirt with red and black polka dots. He's in his home town of Baton Rouge and he wants to look really good so Mariah freshens his makeup. Yeah, I don't know either. Keith is wearing one of his signature dark plaid shirts with rolled sleeves. They all look to be made from thin fabric and that probably costs $800 per yard. Mariah is in a royal blue sleeveless tank dress... made from leather. Nikki is in yet another cap, and is ready for her night job as Randy's chauffeur. No one is foreshadowing tension tonight, so I assume everyone is getting along swimmingly.

Megan Miller, 22, is the current Miss Baton Rouge. She is also on crutches, with a heavily bandaged leg that is infected and in need of surgery. In fact, she has left the hospital in order to audition. I'd say she'd best be good- good enough to make up for endangering her life and for dressing like Pocahontas. She's singing Something's got a Hold on Me, which is not the song I thought it was. She has a rich voice, which she uses to sing too many riffs. But the judges love her.

Charlie is 17. He's a mass of awkward red curly hair. His parents say that he has some sort of syndrome- not autistic and yet not- not autistic. He does really good bird whistles. I don't  know if he's as hopeless as we're supposed to think he is, but I like him. He's wearing a crisp blue/purple/black plaid shirt over a black tee. He starts with some Queen song, and he sounds fine. Charlie then segues into Nature Boy. It's lovely and this is not an easy song to sing. Nikki strays into Steven Tyler Inappropriate Comment Territory about whether or not Charlie has passed puberty. Charlie is interesting, and I'll be watching him.

Maddie Assel was nominated by her grandma. Randy surprised her with the news while singing with some street musicians.   She has honey blonde curly hair, red glasses, a black flowered top and a floaty black skirt with an uneven hem. She sings Oh Darlin', and she's trying way too hard. Way way way too hard, but I like her voice, and so do the judges. I don't suppose this show will teach  her to dial it back, but I can always hope. She goes out to meet her Grandma, who has been dancing around in an askew feathered mask, handing out beads, and waving an umbrella. I do believe that Grandma is schnockered.

The theme from True Blood plays over a montage of horrible singers. The show really does want to do bad things to us, but we knew that already.

Paul Jolly is 22- he has a calling to sing, and a dead grandpa. I think I may have a calling to say Paul Jolly over and over. It rolls off the tongue so easily. Paul Jolly. Paul Jolly. Paul Jolly. Anyway, he's a handsome kid in a robin's egg blue shirt and white jeans. He has a nice voice but he's oversinging terribly, making weird faces, and swaying a lot. Paul Jolly gets a golden ticket, Paul Jolly does. Paul Jolly.

Beefy, hyperactive, annoying Chris Barthel has dyed his hair a brassy blonde. Nikki nicknamed him Mushroom, for some reason. He sings one of Adam Lambert's songs, sorta. Nikki wraps herself in a blanket and says incantations over Chris's head. He gets a no-no-no-no.

Well, now here's a first for American Idol- the next auditioner is Dr. Calvin Peters, a real physician, in his residency for rehab medicine. He's a handsome young man in a burgundy long-sleeved, skinny tee and jeans. he sings in both higher and lower registers. It's not my style but he's going through. I wonder how this will affect his studies.

Michelle is blonde and wearing a glittery forehead band. Can we all just agree that forehead bands are stupid, glittery or not, and dispense with them altogether? Yes? Good. Breanna is in a tight white dress, and Brandy is in a black tee shirt. All three girls have growly voices and all three go through.

Alissa is solidly built, with long straight blonde bangs that hang into her eyes. Alissa kills Natural Woman, and not in a good way.

Dustin Watts proves that firemen are not all automatically hot. It's not that he's homely, he isn't. He just looks like a big lunk. He sings in nice country voice, however, and Nikki hits on him. I don't think he'll make it past the Hollywood rounds.

Ryan announces the last Louisiana auditioner, which means that this is just an hour-long show. Woohoo!

Burnell Jones, 19, is a Katrina survivor, and frankly, I'm surprised that he's the first one we've seen on an episode of a show that loves sob stories that is based in LA. Burnell is wearing blue shorts and what looks like yellow tails in the front. At first I think he's ready to play flag football, but when he turns, I see that he has a yellow sweater tied around his waist. A yellow sweater with really long sleeves. Those suckers are hanging low. Burnell sings something from The Color Purple, and oh my. This kid is fantastic. Keith is transported to a better universe- he's so enchanted that he laughs out loud. Mariah cries, and Nikki gushes. The best proof of Burnell's talent is that Randy Jackson is bereft of cliches. Mark my words, Burnell is going far.

34 others, besides Burnell, got golden tickets in Baton Rouge. Next week: San Antonio

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