Thursday, January 31, 2013
AI Season 12 Oklahoma City Auditions
The commercial Voice-Over informs us that this is the last audition show before the Hollywood Rounds. I can only say: YAY!
Randy is wearing a black wool jacket with some sort of gold medallion chainy thing on the lapel. Keith is wearing a dark tee shirt with a leather windbreaker. Mariah is in a black and silver sparkly transparent top over a dark bra, and a short blue skirt. Nicki is ready to officiate at the Superbowl.
First up is Karl Skinner, a 26 year old newlywed with a lovely, ample wife. He seems a tad hyper and even a tad more odd. He has red hair, a plaid shirt and a guitar. He sings I Feel Good, with a little bit of that James Brown shuffle dancing. I can't quite figure out if this is horrible or if it's inventive and clever. The judges ask him to play the guitar, and okay, he's good, in a raspy Jack Johnson way. Of course, the four idiots want him to hop into a box right then and there. But at least they send him to Hollywood.
We get a montage of bleeding ears, bad rapping, and delusional auditioners.
Nate Tao's parents are both deaf, and so he's adapt at ASL. He's wearing a white shirt and a black tie. This show has always wanted a good Asian Boy Bander, but I'm not sure Nate is him. He sings For Once in My Life, and it's okay but nothing exciting. He gets 4 yesses, but Randy's right- Nate does look like an accountant.
I will bet the farm that Hailey Hillburn has a pageant past which includes her 17 year old dog puppet Oscar. Hailey is a ventrilloquist, and she brings Oscar with her in front of the judges. That's all I have to say about Hailey, except that for some reason the judges put her through. Sometimes I hate this show.
Zoanette Johnson is 19. She's wearing a yellow top,a fur vest, and a pink belted dress with a very very short mullet skirt. I don't know if she's wearing black shortie shorts or black undies, and I am annoyed that Zoanette has forced me to wonder about it. She has a booty and she's not afraid to shake it. Zoanette sings the Star Spangled Banner, if singing is the word I want to use, until she forgets the words and Mariah has to help her. Zoanette is purely insane. I am very glad when she finishes so I never have to see or hear her again... except... the judges send her to Hollywood.
I'm going to take back every good thing I've said about this season.
The next montage has lots of tears. Lots and lots and lots of them, even from the guy who makes it through.
Anastacia Freeman, 25, is also crying. Anastacia is not a pretty crier. And then she falls down. She's lumpy and unkempt and she's wearing a terrible top. She sings Unbreak My Heart. She stops in the middle and asks the judges if they're laughing at her, and then she believes their lies. Afterwards, she tells them that God told her to audition. Literally. Given the judging weirdness tonight, I'm surprised that they actually send her home. Anastacia is bitter and nasty. Worse yet, she's a litterer.
Kayden Steventon is 16 years old, but he looks 10 and his voice has not changed. I don't need to see him with a breathing machine to know that he has Cystic Fibrosis, a disease that took two of my first cousins. Kayden is undeniably cute, but he has a hard time finding enough breath to talk, and he doesn't have nearly enough for singing. He sounds a bit like a young Michael Jackson or Donnie Osmond, but his voice is thin and I wish wish wish that they'd send him home right now. But of course, they don't. They aren't doing this kid any favors by putting him through.
So 45 kids got Golden Tickets in Oklahoma... oh wait... there's one more auditioner. We segue back to the judge's chambers, where a tall, ungainly blonde stumbles in. It's immediately apparent that the blonde is in drag. Moments later, we see that she's Steven Tyler.
Steven Tyler in red lipstick, a blonde wig, high heels and a dress.
I'll let that sink in for a moment.
Steven Tyler in red lipstick, a blonde wig, high heels and a dress for no reason that I can figure out. He's just there.
So, next week the Hollywood rounds begin. The real show.
It's about damn time.