Hype! Excitement! Declarations! Zoom! Sweep! Shout! Massive Audience! Ryan with flashlight under the chin lighting. This. Is. The. Finale.
The huge audience is studded with semi-luminaries. There’s Janice Dickenson, for starters.
Nearly 100 million votes last night, and 624 million total for the season. But how about the ratings, Ryan? AI is still the 624million vote gorilla, and the top show in the country, but ratings are falling. Not that it matters because: top show in the country.
For some reason, Randy’s channeling his inner Oscar Wilde with a floppy red velvet bow tie. Ryan teases him with a montage of catch phrases: for you, for me, for you, for me, didn’t work, for me, for you…
Kara has poofy hair and a black strapless formal with a tulle covered bodice. Her clips are all sweetie, honey, sweetie, no honey, sorry sweetie…
Paula has messy hair and a dress that looks like it’s made from beaded metal. Her montage is purple monkey dishwasher.
Simon is in an almost buttoned white shirt and a black jacket. I can’t believe they didn’t go with If I’m being honest, and picked huh? What? Say what? Huh? instead.
Carrie Underwood is in the house.
Adam and Kris are in white on white, except for the army boots (into which are tucked Adam’s parachute pants). Sound glitch- neither microphone works for the mini-interviews.
In Conway, AR, Kris’s hometown crowd is worked into a frenzy by Mikalah Gordon, makeup gun still set on stun, with an extra side of tanner.
Carly Smithson, wearing blue satin and hair tumors, screams for Adam with the rest of the screamers in San Diego.
The Top 13, all in white, are singing (and they may actually be singing tonight, not syncing) So What. I don’t know this song, but it’s very Disney, with lots of sideways jumping going on. It took me awhile to remember Jasmine’s name. How soon I forget. And there, for the last time this year, is The Pointy Pose.
David Cook takes the stage to sing his new song, Permanent. He gets the green alien spotlights. Except for the frosted tips, he looks just the same, and he sounds like Daughtry with hair.
Is that Justin Guarini?
Ah, we’re doing the Golden Idol Awards again. That’s too bad. For Outstanding Male, from Wil Kunick (oh my), Michael Gurr (warbling in an alien tongue), Dean Anthony Bradford (in lethal plaid) and Nick Mitchell- who do you think is going to win? Normund Gentle, of course. Nick, looking mighty mainstream, takes the stage, declaring no advance knowledge of the award, and he has me convinced until he rips away his hoodie and jeans to reveal Normund. He’s a better actor than I thought, and since there’s no chance that I’ll be stuck watching him for the next 3 months, I am actually kind of amused by this bit.
I am even more amused by Ryan wearing Normund’s headband and glasses (though the complaint about greasy specs has been recycled a couple of times already).
Lil sings a duet with Queen Latifah (who has the most gorgeous, flawless skin). Lil is wearing a black and white outfit that flatters her unique shape. I’ve resisted commenting on it all season, but I will say tonight, that Lil has a truly heroic butt. I celebrate Lil’s rear end. Queen Latifah (I tried to shorten it, but it felt wrong to call her Queen. And Latifah was out of the question), does not fare as well in a skin-tight, black, one-shouldered jumpsuit. The song is not to my taste, but they sound good together (and tomorrow, I’ll listen to The Dana Owens Album again, just to remind myself what a lovely voice QL has).
Anoop, in a seersucker jacket, and Alexis Grace, in a sparkly mini with an uneven hem, and big boots, sing something with Jason Mraz, backed up by the rest of the Top 13.
We see a bit of Kris’s journey, and then he sings with Keith Urban (if Nicole is in the audience, we don’t see her). I would never have paired Kris with CW, but he sounds absolutely great on this song. And they sound fantastic together.
The girls are on now. Oh lordy, Megan is wearing a pink satin romper. A. Pink. Satin. Romper. Lil’s shirt hem has many pointy bits. They all dance around, and seem to be spelling out ROUSes (and who knows, maybe we ARE in the fire swamp). Oh- it’s Fergie, singing that song from my granddaughter’s Kidz Bop album that I had to listen to for 5,000 miles to and from the coast a couple of summers ago. She’s dark and dirty, and her shiny legs hint that she had to be oiled up to slide into that black plastic dress.
Now the Black-Eyed Peas (one of them in Hammer Pants) join Fergie, and she loses most of her dress but gains leather gauntlets. Were they bleeped, or was there a transmission glitch?
And it’s time for another Golden Idol Award, this time for Best Attitude. Contenders are Bikini Girl, crazy Alexis Cohen (though I will grant her craziness a dollop of self-awareness this season), and Tiffany Shedd, with no talent and a delusional mama. And of course Bikini Girl, with brand spanking new implants (and a huge side of tanner- must have been a sale on it), wins. She begins to sing with a voice that is even worse than I remembered. Then Kara joins her, and either Bikini is a much better actress than I gave her credit for, or she is truly not happy about this development. Whaddyaknow? Kara can actually sing. And even more surprising, she looks amazing in a bikini.
Allison, looking very pretty tonight, sits onstage with Cyndi Lauper, and they do a lovely, understated version of Time After Time. It’s quiet and pretty, and they sound great together. Is that a zither?
Gentle suggestion to Kris’s mama: sleeves.
Danny sits on the steps and sings Hello, and by now, we’re not surprised to find him joined by Lionel Richie himself. As with all of the duets tonight, they sound good together. Lionel is wearing a black trench coat, and his leather pants look stuffed.
Hey! It’s Ruben!
Adam’s journey involved lots of eyeliner, laughter, and black fingernail polish. He takes the stage in Thunderdome Shoulder Cages (how much you wanna bet that Rhianna will show up on some red carpet in them next week?). And here is Kiss (not Alice Cooper, as I bet our friend Rich just moments before Simmons, et al, took the stage). This is a total hoot- and Adam is rocking the house in Munster Boots. In fact, they’re all wearing the platformiest platforms that ever platformed.
Omigod! It’s Carlos Santana! Playing Black Magic Woman, one of my all time favorite songs. I love it so much that I almost forgive Matt’s stupid hat. And then they segue into Smooth, which always makes me think of my friend Jody, gone too soon and deeply missed, who loved this song. She would have loved this performance.
Camryn Mannheim! David Cook giving Adam and Kris new cars!
And Steve Martin! On the banjo, playing a lovely bluegrass tune called Pretty Flowers. Which is he wrote. And is on his new album. Which I will have to check out. Immediately. Matt Sarver and Megan sing along, and for the first time ever, I actually enjoy listening to Megan sing (though if she caws, all bets are off).
Now the guys are singing If You Think I’m Sexy (no, I don’t. And this show is wearing me out. I'm running out of exclamation points). For some reason, I am surprised when Rod Stewart takes the stage.
Gentle hint to Rod Stewart: Clay Aiken stopped spiking his hair. You might want to think about it as well.
The last Golden Idol Award, for Outstanding Female, and it takes absolutely no psychic ability to predict that Tatiana is going to win. Yup. There she is, singing that song again, still with the uber annoying personality and totally lovely voice. She pretends to run away from the security folks, and Ruben is evidently not in on the joke, because he looks horrified. (or maybe he’s part of the performance as well).
Kris and Adam take the stage to sing We Are the Champions, and by now, I would not be surprised if they dug Freddy Mercury himself up to sing again. They do the next best thing by assembling the remains of the group, and finish with fireworks and explosions and an audience that must be nearly spent.
Okay, finally. After 2 hours of spectacle and filler and singing and nonsense, and amazingly enough, some pure entertainment, it’s time for the reveal. The journey is always fun, but this is the payoff. This is the culmination of giving up Tuesday and Wednesday evenings for 4 months. What I’ve hijacked the blog for (to the dismay of that one anonymous poster who complains about the AI coverage every year). What I’ve loved from Season 1: The Reveal.
It’s been an amazing year, jam packed with talent. I am totally expecting Adam to win, but it doesn’t really… WHOA!
Oh my God! It’s Kris!
I never expected this. Simon never expected this! Adam looks genuinely delighted, and Kris looks shocked. Stunned. Steamrolled. He apologizes to Adam.
And then he sings that piece of dreck, and manages to make it sound almost like a real song. About halfway through, I think he realizes that he actually won, and he turns it into a performance of triumph and joy.
What an amazing moment! What an amazing season. I’ll think about what it all means tomorrow (though, mostly I think it means that Danny’s votes went to Kris). But for now, I return you to your regular programming.