AI Season 10, Finale, 05-25-11

We fast forward through the entire season. Ryan stands in a tux, in the middle of a bunch of people, in the Nokia Theater. He says that last night, 122 million votes were cast, and 3/4 billion were cast over the length of the season. Ryan says that's 2 votes for every man, woman, and child in America, but really, it's more like 500 votes for every 12 year old girl.

Right about here, I tried to turn the volume up but I grabbed the wrong remote and somehow messed up the channels and it took several minutes and many bad words before we got the TV back in the right place, which means that I missed the judges' entrance. I did not touch the remote for the remainder of the show.

We tune back in just in time for the Top 13 to perform together. They're all dressed in white and silver. Naima has on silver pants, Ashthon has on thigh high silver boots, Pia and Karen are in short dresses, Thia is wearing a tutu. Lauren is wearing very tight pants that do her no favors. I have no idea if Stefano thought that his pants did him any favors, but I had the decency to look away soon as he danced into view. They're singing Born This Way, and they all seem to be having a good time. There's Casey!!!

James gets the first individual performance. With Judas Priest! Goodness, there are a lot of shiny, pokey things on stage. And lots of black leather. I don't know this song (these songs?), but it's a fun performance, and absolutely perfect for James, who looks very happy. I like to see Happy James.

I finally catch sight of the judges- JLo is  in a flesh-toned sparkly jumpsuit. Steven is in a white Tyler Suit. Randy is wearing a white jacket with black piping, a black shirt and black bow tie. Ryan cues a medley of Randy's season-long irrelevance. If I never hear in it to win it again, it will be too soon.

Jacob is singing I Smiled with a Kirk Someone, who is possibly Ru Paul not in drag. Jacob is wearing a gray suit that seems to actually fit him, and a red gingham tie. Oh look- Gladys Knight! And a gospel choir. Everyone but Jacob sounds great. Jacob sounds like Jacob and I still don't like him.

Casey!!! He's wearing a shiny gray suit. Is polished cotton in again? And he's singing Fat Bottom Girls! And there's Jack Black. They're dressed like twins. The Grays Brothers. And yes, we do make the rockin' world go round. Woot! The backup bicyclists have very shiny, though definitely not-fat, bottoms.

Ryan has to wing it for a bit while the Ladies from the Top 13 take the stage. He's not very good off-script. The girls are all in red and black, and they're all onstage except for Lauren. Haley has one garter, and Pia;'s chest is still announcing its presence with authority. They sing Put a Ring on It, and To The Left, which means that I should not be surprised when Beyonce enters in a gynecologically short, sparkly dress. I am, but I should not be.

Next we get a retrospective of Steven Tyler's bloops, bleeps, and cigars. He's wearing a white jacket and a corsage, just like an old lady.

Next up is Haley with Tony Bennett. Haley is wearing a pretty brocade dress with a free-standing bodice. They're singing Steppin' Out With My Baby. Haley sounds good and Tony sounds wonderful. I do wish that Haley would stop squatting, but otherwise, this is a really good performance. Tony Bennett is 85? Wow, he looks fantastic.

JLo's retrospective mostly reminds us that she's beautiful and that Randy was jealous. And that her husband is creepy.

I missed the name of the hip hop guy, but the surviving members of TLC are singing the waterfall song with Karen, Naima, Thia and Ashthon. Pia must have been there with them too, but I didn't write her name down. It's hard to describe all of the black outfits, but very high heels seem to be a common denominator.

Tim McGraw takes the stage next, and for the first time, I notice that Mr. Hill is a fine looking fellow, who works out regularly, it appears. Mighty fine. Scotty comes out, of course, and they sound really good together. Just imagine- a year ago, Scotty was a high school baseball player. Now, he's on national TV, singing with Tim McGraw. What a trip.

It would not be a Finale without a parade of losers- that kid who wanted to be  DJ narrates a thankfully short compilation of the bad signers, gymnastics disasters, crazies, and those who didn't take rejection well.

Ryan announces Marc Anthony, and eagle-eyed Lorah notices that JLo isn't in her judge chair... Mr. Lopez joins the Shiny Suit Brigade to sing his Miami Sound Machine-Alike song, with fan-dancer backups. I'll give him this: he looks more alive when he's singing. And there she is, all smolder and fringe and wiggly butt. The girl can dance, fer shure. Afterward, the reanimated corpse says something to his wife that makes her laugh. It's a nice, human moment.

Now we're treated to a great set of talking heads with James and Casey arguing over who had the most shocking boot. Pia then enters, wearing a tiara and a sash that says "Most Shocking", and shuts their sorry asses down completely. That was a hoot- it almost makes me like Pia (as a person. I still don't love her voice).

Now the Top 13 Guys are singing. They're all wearing black this time, which is not nearly so transparent, thank goodness, so I can look at Stefano again. At least as much as I ever want to look at Stefano. He's singing some Prince song, and Lorah and I look at each other knowingly. But then Paul sings something by Tom Jones. And then James does What's New Pussycat. And Casey sings Delilah. The guys are having a great deal of fun with this, and we are now surprised that onlyTom Jones comes out (wouldn't it have been awesome if he AND Prince were both there. Doing a duet?). Mr. Jones has had less *work* done than other stars of his vintage, and I like it that he looks a little grizzled. His voice sounds the same. My mom had a minor crush on Tom Jones, and she had most of his records, so I know all of these songs. Yeah, I really am that old.

The last Fordmercial is a retrospective of all of this season's Fordmercials. I guess they didn't have time to film a new one this week. We see Lauren and Scotty inviting their favorite teachers to the Idol Finale. The Top 2 traditionally get brand new Ford vehicles, but since Lauren likely does not have a drivers licence, and Scotty may not either, they both give their cars to their teachers, who are stunned. And then Ryan says that they get cars too, and Lauren and Scotty are stunned.

And now we're stuck with Lady Gaga, who is dressed like Princess Amidala, at least until she takes off the cape and weird headgear. Now she looks like a biker chick in a leather bikini, and metal face decorations. Her choreography consists of being molested by a male dancer, and peeing doggy-style on the piano. Is that Clarence Clemmons on the sax?

It's Lauren's turn for the stage now. She's wearing a really unflattering skin-tight black dress over black leggings, and she sings the opening lines of Before He Cheats. Her vocal strain is front and center, and highlighted even more when Carrie Underwood joins her. Man, Carrie is wasting away- girl, eat a hamburger or three. Please.

Well, The Interwebz were wrong- there's Lee DeWyze, right behind some guy with crazy hair that Ryan is standing next to. Ryan, however, does not introduce Lee as the Reigning American Idol. Ryan pretends that Lee does not exist. Bad form, show. Bad form.

We get another fantastic set of Talking Heads, with all of Top 10 complaining about the ages of The Finalists. Best line: Naima commenting that their breath smells of Similac.

Oh good, more Beyonce. Sigh. The stage is filled with red smoke, and even in silhouette, it's obvious that Sasha Fierce needs a hot oil treatment. Her hair people should talk to JLo's hair people. Or even Lauren's hair people. This song is overwrought and extremely dull so we have lots of time to take bets on whether or not Beyonce will beyounce right out of her low-cut, ugly prom dress.

Ryan walks through the audience some more. I keep thinking that I should recognize the people he passes by, but no, I don't know any of them.

Hmmmm... Bono and The Edge must be desperate to prove that their Spiderman Broadway show is not the fiasco that everyone thinks it is. I cringe every time the stunt guy soars over the audience, but his safety lines hold. My guess is that in exchange for several minutes on the show that is watched by more people than The Superbowl, Bono will have to mentor the kids next year. Or at least release the U2 catalog for slaughter.

It is 8:54, so surely it's time to get on with the reason for the show- not just this episode, but for the whole shebang. But no, Ryan is sitting with JLo and Randy, which means that Steven is onstage.

Yup- there he is, dressed in white, playing the piano, wailing Dream On. I have snarked aplenty on Mr. Tyler this year, but the man is a legend. And he can still perform. I figure that all of the finalists will join him up there, but no. It's just Steven. He was a bit pitchy dawg, but he was surely in it to win it.

Okay, NOW, AT 8:59, and tipping into overtime (something that Ryan promised would not happen), we're finally going to find out who's crappy single will be released first (and by first, I mean 10 minutes before the other one). Scotty is wearing a shiny gray (it's the new black, y'all) pin-striped suit, and Lauren is in a yellow Loretta Lynn dress. Both of them look ill, and Lauren especially looks like she might collapse any minute. I worry about Lauren- I'm not sure she'll survive not winning, because surely she is not going to win.

aaannnndddddd..... Scotty McCreery is the new American Idol, and amazing of all amazings- Lauren looks like the weight of the world has just lifted off of her shoulders. She's genuinely smiling, and congratulating Scotty, who looks a little peaky. He sings his crappy song to his weepy mom and his dad, and he hugs all of his relatives, and all of the finalists one by one, and my hard heart melts just a bit. Then Scotty sits down on the floor and has himself a nice little cry as the others gather around.

So, we've survived another season, you and I. Every year, I think that maybe I'll just skip watching. Or if I watch, maybe I'll skip recapping. But I'm not even fooling myself- we all know that I'll be back, same time next year. Thanks for hanging in there with this stupid little obsession of mine.

We now return you to your regular programming. Seacrest out.