(Blogger was down most of yesterday and a lot of today. But I can finally post my recap from last night).
We had company and I missed the first minute or so of the intro tonight. The first thing I notice is that Steven Tyler is wearing a matching black and white print twinset, and that JLo has on a green Ice Princess top. I forget to notice what Randy is wearing.
Ryan says that 72 million votes were cast, which is a new record for a non-finale. We get a long recap of what happened last night. Lauren’s Saloon Girl outfit is still awful, Haley still has the bitch face, and Scotty still bored me with his Lee Greenwood imitation.
James and Scotty sing a country duet, which does James no favors at all. It’s also only duet in that both of them are singing the same song at roughly the same time. It’s really two soloists occupying the same stage. These kids just can’t sing together. However, James’s guitar has a target painted on it, and a raccoon tail, which makes up for just about everything.
Then Haley and Lauren sing another country song. They’re sassy and confident and they sound marginally better together, in that they’re at least trying to harmonize.
Evidently, Microsoft is now an AI sponsor, because we get a segment of the kids using Windows Live Messenger to talk to their family, as though they’ve been held prisoner by monsters in horrible LA, and they’ve never video chatted before. James screen smooch of his son is adorable though.
There are three golden stools on the stage. These are most definitely not the Stools of Despair. Tonight, Lauren is wearing perhaps the only flattering outfit she has ever worn on this show. Individually, the pieces are just as odd as always: tight, with more fringe than any human being should wear. But the fact that they’re all black makes them blend. And there are no inappropriate body parts hanging out, so Lauren looks especially good, which is nice, because she’s in the Final Three. Lauren is shocked and giddy. Haley congratulates her as she mentally prepares herself for what is coming.
Now we get to watch the kids uncomfortably watching Gaga on TV, and then we segue to Gaga on stage, though it’s obviously not a live performance, which is just as well. It’s probably illegal for a grown woman to play a cinder block and hot glue piano in her studded leather undies in front of minors.
Special Guest Star #2, Enrique Iglesias is 36 years old. Why the hell is he dressed like Justin Beiber? I know this song is actually about someone who is a Dirty Dirty Dancer, but it honestly sounds to me like he’s summoning a Hurdy Gurdy Dancer, which would be so much more interesting than this pro-tooled mess. Also, there are balloons. Big ones. Have I ever mentioned that balloons give me the willies?
The Fordmercial has the kids playing with lights and photography, and it’s boring. Then we’re back to the couch, where James and Scotty are embracing large balloons. Ick.
Special Guest Star #3 is Jordin Sparks. She is singing I Am Woman, and I assume that we are neither going to hear her roar, nor watch her bring home the bacon. She enters in a silver raincoat that is surely going to be removed very soon. Yep, here’s the striptease. Our little Jordin is all grown up, and wearing a Tina Turner dress. She’s writhing and grinding all over the stage. Evidently, in order to be a pop star, one must synthesize a perfectly lovely voice out of existence. Good to know.
I guess that Steven Tyler is not really Special Guest #4, but we “get” to see his new video, which is just Steven Tyler unencumbered by Aerosmith. We start out black and white, and… okay… I never, ever, want to see anyone’s finger inside Steven Tyler’s nostril again. Ever. Now the video goes to color, and here’s a perfect juxtaposition: Old Rocker Dude being watched avidly by a buzzard. And of course, he’s flirting with, and leering at, a very young girl who is leering even more creepily back at the camera. That said, I would rather listen to this song than Jordin or Enrique. Or JLo, for that matter. But only if I cover my eyes. I will never unsee him playing patty cake on some girl’s ass.
And finally, we’re getting to the important stuff. Well the stuff that matters to the show, anyway. Haley, in hot pants and a gauzy orange top under which she is definitely wearing a push-up bra, braces herself for the news that… she is in the Top 3.
Oh my. No one, least of all Haley, expected that. But Lauren is happy. And so is Haley. Shocked, but happy.
Also shocked? James and Scotty. Both are a little pale, and Scotty looks a little less smug than usual. Here we go… aaaannnndddd… James is out.
I didn’t see that one coming. Neither did James, though he babbles on for awhile about it. James’s video journey traces the evolution of his hair, which looks ever so much better flat, and with highlights. He sings Maybe I’m Amazed to his tearful wife, and he holds it together fairly well. Remember Daughtry, James. All will be well.