AI Season 10 Top 5 Elimination, 05-05-11

We start out with recaps of everything we saw last night, but I wrote about all of that already, and I'm not going to write it all out again.

Randy is wearing a slate blue jacket with big lapels and lots and lots of zippers. And epaulets. Steven Tyler has an autobiography out. I wonder who wrote it. JLo has draped her nether regions in a sparkly hot air balloon.

Ryan says that there were 60 million votes last night, which is a season record. I hope most of them voted the way I wanted them to, because I sure wasn't one of the crowd.

The kids sing Happy Together together, and they sort of harmonize and kind of dance, and Lauren almost falls off her shoes.

They're back at the couches as Ryan announces something or other. I have no idea what Ryan is saying because I'm not listening to him. What I'm doing is watching James mouth everything Ryan is saying at exactly the same time. Evidently, he's reading from the chyron, and he's doing it totally straight-faced. Ryan seems not to notice, and James keeps it up until Lauren stops him with a gently placed hand on his knee. James then clamps his mouth shut. I have no idea if that was a joke, or if it was a Tourette's thing, but it was weird.

I'm still contemplating that interlude during the Fordmercial, so the only thing I take away from that bit is that I'd like a car that parks itself.

Now we're wasting time with Gordon Ramsey, whose shows I have never seen (I have no patience with mean shouters). He seems fairly benign tonight as he has the kids make omelets for him. Ramsey dismisses everyone's efforts, except for Lauren's. He then says that Jacob is runner up, even though he earlier compared Jacob's omelet to vomit. Lauren "wins" the omelet contest. We'll be seeing more of this nonsense later.

In the meantime, Lady Antebellum has a new song. The Lady part of the group has pretty eyes, lots of bangs, and is wearing a sparkly top. This is the second time the group has been on AI, but they're not singing the drunk dialing song tonight. This new ditty is pretty enough, and it'll probably be a hit.

The kids then do a series of clips about song choice (Haley pulls The Thong Song out of a hat), and outfits.  Lauren wears Jacob's plaid jacket from last week. It's actually amusing.

Okay, now down to business. Ryan has James stand. James has new highlights in his hair, and is wearing a black leather jacket.

Oh no! Ryan sends James to one side of the stage without telling him whether he's safe or not. They're doing The Huff.

Ryan calls Lauren down next. Lauren has her hair up in a French roll. She's wearing a short gray jacket over a sparkly tank, paired with leggings and a sparkly skirt. It's a typical awful Lauren outfit. Ryan sends Lauren to the other side of the stage. Lauren is already falling apart.

Now we're back to Gordon Ramsay, who blindfolds Lauren and Jacob and has them do some taste-testing. I could make a joke about Jacob not recognizing the taste of a wiener, but you know what? I'm not going to go there.

Ryan, Randy, and Steven are all up in the audience, sharing a big  bowl of popcorn. They're pretending to be excited about JLo's live performance. Her voice is pro-tooled beyond recognition, and the backup singers (and guest rapper) do all of the heavy lifting, but that doesn't matter, because JLo and her peeps are all wearing Hammer Pants! We can't touch that. They end with a bit of  Busby Berkley choreography and Ms Lopez gyrating on the floor.

And then, if that weren't enough, we get a sneak preview of the new Most Beautiful Woman video, which sounds a lot like the older video, though this time she's in a spangly dress on a beach, cavorting with a strapping fellow who looks a whole lot more alive than her husband.

Okay, back to the important stuff. Ryan has Jacob, wearing a purple shirt with a white collar, join Lauren. Lauren looks like she's going to be sick, and Jacob is practicing his bitchface.

Haley, in a flared floral jacket, black leather pants and very high heels, joins James.

So, Scotty, in a red plaid shirt, is going to do the Huffing tonight. Ryan tells Scotty that he is safe, and then commands him to choose which group he belongs with. Scotty refuses, and Ryan relents and sends him to James and Haley, who have to be told what that means.

No one has to tell Lauren and Jacob- Lauren is not going to survive, and Jacob is going to kill someone with his eyes. And... yesssssss... finally.... Jacob is going home. Jacob proves his total inability to understand anything that is happening by declaring that America is in love with him.

We mute his singout, and I am very relieved.

My guess is that one of the girls will go next week, but I've been wrong before.