AI Season 9, 01-26-10 LA Auditions

From Demotivational Posters (beware, often NSFW)

Ryan reminds us of one of his other bazillion jobs- radio host. LA radio host. That's right, we're in California.

Kara's boobs are barely restrained in a thin, spaghetti strap dress (support garments- look into them, Kara). Her eye makeup is heavier than usual, probably because Day One's guest judge is Avril Lavigne (whom The Hub insists on calling Advil). Advil is sporting her traditional raccoon eyes, and a horned hoodie (seriously).

Living Breathing Wedgie Magnet, Neil Goldstein, assures us that his IQ is 168. You'd think someone that smart would know about soap. His commentary was filmed at different times because he has several different hair lengths (all styled badly). If it sounds like I'm being mean, I suppose I am- but this guy is truly asking for it. Advil can barely control her giggles, and her very real revulsion. I'm sure the consolation of being smarter than everyone else cushioned the rejection.

Pastor and family man, Jim Ranger says he has three kids (though there are four little ones standing outside the audition room with the rest of his family). He unwisely sings an original song, but wisely has the voice to back it up. I would have much preferred to hear something familiar, but my guess is that I'll have plenty of opportunity to do that later on. Kara and Randy voice concern over whether Jim can handle the responsibilities of Fatherhood and Pastorness along with the trials and tribulations of being on AI, as though every other contestant in the history of the show hasn't had to juggle commitments and responsibilities.

Jayson Williams, Jesse Chang and Elvis Fonzarelli all sing. Badly. As does martial flautist Damian.

A montage of adorable babies segues to the also adorable eight year old daughter Mary Powers, who is trying too damn hard in her black and chrome and sparkles and multiple crosses and headband and overdyed black hair and arm warmer. But her beautiful bue eyes and lovely voice trump the poor costume selection, and she makes it through.

And you knew that the Lambert Wannabees would come out of the woodwork this year. A.J. Mendoza somehow coerced Adam into listening to his tape, and Adam said something vaguely complimentary, which A.J. believed. He shouldn't have.

Randy has picked up an unfortunate new vocal tic- asking Sime for his vote. Advil judges to her own drummer, disagreeing with the Terrible Trio on occasion, though she also giggles like a little girl.

Day Two: Randy is sparkly. Kara is wearing a studded purple suede jacket over a deeply scooped black tee. Today's guest judge, Katy Perry, is wearing a slinky red dress with a sharply plunging neckline, and a whole lotta attitude.

Improbably tall and thin Austin Fullmer's shirt looks like it has stripes made of electrical tape. He Faux Jaggers disgustingly.

It evidently took Andrew Garcia's entire family to keep him out of the gangs, but it worked. He's married, with an adorable little boy, and a very good voice.

Tasha Leyton may be the only Personal Assistant/Pastor on the planet. She sings Joss Stone (singer and Anne of Cleves on The Tudors), and is moved on to Hollywood.

Speaking of which, the judges announce that these kids are "going to Hollywood" as though it's an actual journey, and not short bus trip .

If you look up smarmy in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Jason Greene. See also: creepy

Chris Golightly spent his childhood bouncing from one foster home to another (twenty-five, to be exact). His Justin Guarini/Sideshow Bob mop top changes colors several times (from all blond, to blond highlights, to blond tips, to mostly brown). His voice is not my cuppa, but it's good. Or at least it's the kind of voice that AI finds appealing. Kara telegraphs the show's agenda by declaring that Chris's backstory is exactly the kind that garners sympathy and votes.

So we heard only 4 good singers tonight- maybe the fewest ever in an audition episode. Instead of hearing any of the other 23 who made it through, we got to watch Kara and the very wide-eyed Katy spar. Was the tension real, or souped up for drama's sake? Don't know, don't care.

Tomorrow night- Dallas and Neil Patrick Harris, who will be more fun than Katy and Kara and Advil put together. and maybe we'll get to hear some, you know, singing...