AI Season 9, 01-27-10 Dallas Auditions

Our local news was full of one Audri Vargas, of Sioux Falls, who was supposed to be on AI tonight. However, unless she was in one of those quick montages of the Hollywood Bound, she was nowhere to be seen. That may bode ill for her, since the Golden Ticket Unseen are often cannon fodder. On the other hand, Kris Allen, Bo Bice, Allison Iraheta, Jason Castro... oh and Kelly Clarkson, were all sprung on us in Hollywood, so it's not an automatic kiss of death. But since she wasn't actually in this episode, we'll file her name in the memory banks, and get this party started.

Speaking of Kelly, she auditioned in Dallas. And she fell down, though we didn't see that footage until after her coronation. 11,000 hopefuls would happily fall down if that would help them follow in her footsteps. Tonight's guest judge is the wonderful Neil Patrick Harris, who is nattily dressed in a striped vest, gray button-down shirt, and tie. Kara is wearing a red satin top with a wide black leather belt over pants, and 20lb eyelashes.

Julie Kevelighan, former and current horrible auditioner, and possible stripper, sings better than she did on her earlier gitcha gitcha ya ya, but she's still nowhere near good enough. NPH critiques her sign, and I think I love him.

I try and fail to decipher the logo on Ryan's red polo shirt. I don't know if it's a word or a symbol, or just some sort of Magical Ryan Imagery.

Lloyd Thomas is a dock worker, and he looks like one. He's a big fella with a white shirt and tie, a great smile, and two of the most adorable little girls this show has ever thrown at us. He also sings Stevie, which is generally a mistake. But Lloyd has a rich, lovely and unadorned voice. He does one of the best Stevies I've heard.

Kimberly Carver has dark hair and very light eyes. She sings an original song, which is also usually a mistake, but this song is good, and her jazz styling is fun, and she goes through even though Simon says no.

Speaking of Simon, he and NPH aren't agreeing to disagree, they're just disagreeing, and Simon's annoyance seems real. Or more real than the Kara/Katy kerfuffle last night. If I have to take sides, I'm going with Doogie.

Dexter Wood has sleestak hair, and that's the best thing about him. NPH looks like he's in pain.

Erica Rhodes was one of the kids on the old Barney show. She feels the need to prove that she's all grown up now, though if she hadn't emphasized her saurian past, the distinction wouldn't be necessary because surely, no one would recognize her. She strides in, cracking a whip (seriously), wearing a black leather mini dress, and stiletto boots with about 40 buckles. She sings in a thin, high-pitched voice that makes my ears bleed. And she's moving on to Hollywood.

Dave Pittman has Tourette's Syndrome, which seems to manifest itself in tics and throat clearing, but not when he sings. He has a nice enough voice, a bit too much embroidery for my taste, but good. He gets a Golden Ticket, but I wonder how he'll do in the Hollywood cauldron.

15 kids got tickets on the first day. We see a quick montage of some of them, but only a girl who collapses, and a blonde with a big black bow on the back of her head, make an impression.

Day 2 replaces NPH with Joe Jonas. I would love to plead Jonas Ignorance, but Frog, Bee, and Ladybug Girls all have huge crushes on him. They have each written gushing fan letters, mailed to an address I dutifully looked up online (which neither the unworthy young man, nor his PR staff, have answered).

Todrick Hall worked with Fantasia in The Color Purple on Broadway. He sings a little ditty that he wrote about himself as an American Idol auditioner. He has a nice voice, but gimee a break.

Dawntoya Thomason is wearing a weird necklace made of three golden flowers, and Stephanie (didn't catch her last name), has Janis hair. Both move on.

Meghan Wright has frayed shortie shorts and a blue tank top and Mardi Gras beads. She tells us a story about her divorced and remarried parents, as though that has any bearing on anything. She also introduces her annoying little brother. Luckily for her, she has a strong and sure voice, because this year, she's going to need a lot more than a broken home to garner the sympathy vote.

Vanessa Johnson is all hot pink and perky. She murders At Last.

Christian Spears is 16 and a leukemia survivor. She's wearing a white peasant blouse, a wide brown belt, and blue dirndl. She has a big talent which needs seasoning, but the judges love her.

Next week: Denver, and maybe more Posh.

AI Season 9, 01-26-10 LA Auditions

From Demotivational Posters (beware, often NSFW)

Ryan reminds us of one of his other bazillion jobs- radio host. LA radio host. That's right, we're in California.

Kara's boobs are barely restrained in a thin, spaghetti strap dress (support garments- look into them, Kara). Her eye makeup is heavier than usual, probably because Day One's guest judge is Avril Lavigne (whom The Hub insists on calling Advil). Advil is sporting her traditional raccoon eyes, and a horned hoodie (seriously).

Living Breathing Wedgie Magnet, Neil Goldstein, assures us that his IQ is 168. You'd think someone that smart would know about soap. His commentary was filmed at different times because he has several different hair lengths (all styled badly). If it sounds like I'm being mean, I suppose I am- but this guy is truly asking for it. Advil can barely control her giggles, and her very real revulsion. I'm sure the consolation of being smarter than everyone else cushioned the rejection.

Pastor and family man, Jim Ranger says he has three kids (though there are four little ones standing outside the audition room with the rest of his family). He unwisely sings an original song, but wisely has the voice to back it up. I would have much preferred to hear something familiar, but my guess is that I'll have plenty of opportunity to do that later on. Kara and Randy voice concern over whether Jim can handle the responsibilities of Fatherhood and Pastorness along with the trials and tribulations of being on AI, as though every other contestant in the history of the show hasn't had to juggle commitments and responsibilities.

Jayson Williams, Jesse Chang and Elvis Fonzarelli all sing. Badly. As does martial flautist Damian.

A montage of adorable babies segues to the also adorable eight year old daughter Mary Powers, who is trying too damn hard in her black and chrome and sparkles and multiple crosses and headband and overdyed black hair and arm warmer. But her beautiful bue eyes and lovely voice trump the poor costume selection, and she makes it through.

And you knew that the Lambert Wannabees would come out of the woodwork this year. A.J. Mendoza somehow coerced Adam into listening to his tape, and Adam said something vaguely complimentary, which A.J. believed. He shouldn't have.

Randy has picked up an unfortunate new vocal tic- asking Sime for his vote. Advil judges to her own drummer, disagreeing with the Terrible Trio on occasion, though she also giggles like a little girl.

Day Two: Randy is sparkly. Kara is wearing a studded purple suede jacket over a deeply scooped black tee. Today's guest judge, Katy Perry, is wearing a slinky red dress with a sharply plunging neckline, and a whole lotta attitude.

Improbably tall and thin Austin Fullmer's shirt looks like it has stripes made of electrical tape. He Faux Jaggers disgustingly.

It evidently took Andrew Garcia's entire family to keep him out of the gangs, but it worked. He's married, with an adorable little boy, and a very good voice.

Tasha Leyton may be the only Personal Assistant/Pastor on the planet. She sings Joss Stone (singer and Anne of Cleves on The Tudors), and is moved on to Hollywood.

Speaking of which, the judges announce that these kids are "going to Hollywood" as though it's an actual journey, and not short bus trip .

If you look up smarmy in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Jason Greene. See also: creepy

Chris Golightly spent his childhood bouncing from one foster home to another (twenty-five, to be exact). His Justin Guarini/Sideshow Bob mop top changes colors several times (from all blond, to blond highlights, to blond tips, to mostly brown). His voice is not my cuppa, but it's good. Or at least it's the kind of voice that AI finds appealing. Kara telegraphs the show's agenda by declaring that Chris's backstory is exactly the kind that garners sympathy and votes.

So we heard only 4 good singers tonight- maybe the fewest ever in an audition episode. Instead of hearing any of the other 23 who made it through, we got to watch Kara and the very wide-eyed Katy spar. Was the tension real, or souped up for drama's sake? Don't know, don't care.

Tomorrow night- Dallas and Neil Patrick Harris, who will be more fun than Katy and Kara and Advil put together. and maybe we'll get to hear some, you know, singing...