AI Season 11 Finale- 05-23-12

Well here we are, four months into this adventure, two nights a week, and more words than I've written on any other project in that time period (including paying jobs). It's been a year of talent. In fact this Top 10 may be the most talented ever, and yet it's been a strangely lackluster year. Or maybe that's just me. In any case, tonight is the night, so let's get on with it.

We open with flashing lights and strobes, all of the old animated title sequences, behind the scenes clips, and... hmmm.... they're playing Phil's Home over the intro. Knowing this show, that could mean something. Or it could mean nothing. I guess we'll find out soon. Well, not exactly soon... but in two hours and five minutes.

Without further ado, the Top 12... well the Top 3-12 anyway... take the stage, all in white. Heejun looks good, and Erika went back to blonde hair. It's nice to see everyone again, even if I can't remember a couple of their names. Joshua hilariously proves that he can't break dance. Suddenly the stage is full of hip-hop dancers dressed in black. I have no idea who these guys are, but one of the girls has something weird peeking out from under the hem of her shortie skirt. I sincerely hope it's not a medical  appliance of some sort. They end with smoke and confetti, and the kids lining up on either side of the stage.

The judges enter through the 3-12 Gauntlet. JLo is glam in a tight, short, gold sparkly dress with long sleeves. Randy is channeling Captain Kangaroo, and Steven is in a brocade Steven Tyler Outfit. Ryan is in a tux with a black bow tie.

In the audience I spot: Jane Lynch, Carrie Underwood, Lisa Rinna and her grotesque lips, Dean Caine, and Scotty McCreery.

Ryan calls out Phil (white tee shirt, white pants, still manages to look sloppy) and Jessica (strapless, short, tight white glittery bandage dress). Ryan says that over 132 million votes were cast last night. Exactly none of those votes were cast by me.

After the commercial, Phil (in brown/gray/blue now- he's a quick-change artist) takes the stage with John Fogarty (blue plaid shirt, blue hankie tied very tightly around his neck, and not a speck of gray in his very dark hair). This is a perfect pairing- their voices and guitars blend excellently as they sing two songs (Have You Ever Seen the Rain, and Bad Moon Rising). No matter what happens later in the show, it's obvious that Phil is having a marvelous time now. For me, it would be okay if they slowed down just a tinch, but that's a pretty minor quibble.

Now we get a montage of *memorable* moments with Bird is the Word playing in the background. The only actual memorable moment was when some big guy in a skirt didn't know who Ryan was.

Joshua, in a silver lame jacket that actually fits him for a change, sings Take me to the Pilot. He bounces on his toes and starts with his usual excess notage and energy, when he's joined by a solidly-built woman with long straight hair and a skin-tight body suit that is slit from ankle to nearly the waist on either side. It's not until the woman starts out-Joshua-ing Joshua that I realize that she's Fantasia. Well, this is also a perfect pairing. The judges are up and dancing, and the audience is going wild, and I look at my watch as they both nearly blow a gasket trying to outsing each other.

Evidently, Jimmy Iovine had a hard time remembering Jennifer's name all season, calling her Jessica  (and once, memorably, Joshica) in blooper clip after blooper clip. These bits provided the best laughs all season.

Next up are the Ladies of the Top 12 (minus Jessica), all dressed in assorted sparkly colors. Amazing of all amazings, Skylar is in a dress that is both flattering, and has an even hem. They're singing a medley of songs that I recognize, though I can't pull the titles from the spongy mess that my brain has become. Jessica joins them, and then announces Chaka Kahn, who is helped down the stairs by a couple of handsome young men. Chaka is wearing an extremely ill-conceived brown sparkly body suit. Unfortunate outfit notwithstanding, the woman can sing. Randy, Ryan, and Steven give her a Standing O. I take JLo's absence from the judging table as significant.

The Fordmercial is sweet- giving each of the kids a final moment on-screen, including Phil, who has not been in the videos since early on. Afterwards, Phil declares that his brother in law Ben is his musical mentor. Jessica says likewise for an old family friend. Both of the mentors are in the audience, and they're awarded new cars, to their delight. Phil and Jessica get new cars too (the Top 2 get cars every year, so no one pretends to be surprised).

Rhianna doesn't have to share the stage with any finalists. She makes her entrance from a large cube with lots of rune-ish looking R's all over it. The cube opens and Rhianna stands in a triangle formed of green laser lights. She has very tall hair, a skimpy outfit, drummers, and a whole slew of tribal dancers in Hammer pants. They all dance as though they're being electrocuted. ho hum...

Skylar is up next, and... she's dressed like a Goth Milkmaid (white cotton peasant top gathered at the waist into a very very very short, full skirt, a leather belt that is at least 8" wide, a vaguely-Heidi leather vest, and, I kid you not, black pockets edged in white ruffles. All of this over skin-tight black leather leggings. It's enough to make my brain explode). Skylar sings with her usual energy, and she introduces Reba McIntyre, who is dressed conservatively by comparison, in a black dress, black stockings and boots.

Next we get an LSD fueled tour of Steven Tyler's dressing room, which is stocked with a score of Playboy Bunnies, a live 3-toed sloth, a ceramic monkey, a live monkey, an inflatable zebra, and Steven Tyler's elderly sister making out with some random dude on a couch. Yeah, I don't know either.

Jessica, in a one-shouldered blue prom dress, reprises what I think is her best performance of the season, Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. Since Whitney is otherwise occupied these days, I wonder who is going to join her onstage. My guess is Jennifer Hudson. But no, Jessica completes the solo as a solo. Hmmm.....

The Top 12 Guys (minus Phil), all dressed in varying shades of black and gray (with a purple armband thrown in by Joshua) start singing a Neil Diamond medley, and sure enough, there's Neil Diamond. He looks good, but his voice is wavery and he's doing the Professor Harold Hill version Sweet Caroline, with the guys providing the absolute lamest backup chorus ever (so good, so good, so good). Wow, that was embarrassing for everyone.

Ryan singles out one of Randy's signature phrases (you could sing the phonebook) and plays multiple clips of him saying exactly that. Then we flip to the 3-12 in Choir Robes, literally singing the phone book. This may be the best bit in the history of this show. It's hilarious.

Now we know why JLo wasn't in the audience earlier- she was getting ready to sing not just one, but two songs for us. She comes out in a baseball cap, a silver tank top, and silver hammer pants. I believe that her backup dancers are female but don't quote me on that. They're all wearing white wigs, white caps, blue lips, and more hammer pants. This is an extravaganza of saggy crotches. Some guy in black comes out rapping very quickly and incomprehensibly. JLo ducks down and then stands up without her hat, and without her tank top (she's not naked, there was a cute little bra top underneath). Men are dropping down from the ceiling to join the festivities. My god, the woman has killer abs. And her butt is heroic. We have no idea what she's singing (my guess: I wanna see ya, wouldn't want to be ya; The Hub's guess: I want a penis). Whatever the words are, it's a highly aerobic performance, featuring much more of JLo's actual voice than we usually hear in her performances.

More audience spotting: Taylor Hicks (the show must finally have forgiven him. Maybe next year he can actually sing), Lauren Alaina, Ace Young, and an all-grown-up-and-rather-busty Diana DeGarmo. Ryan calls Ace and Diana up and announces that they're a couple. Ace takes the microphone, gives his jeweler a plug,  and then gets down on one knee and proposes to Diana, who has been rendered nearly speechless. It's sweet and cheesy, and I admit to being a sucker for things like this.

Next up is Hollie, in a striped strapless sheath that is gilttery in front and plain in back. She's wailing You'll Never Walk Alone, and is shortly joined by Jordin Sparks, gorgeous in a silver satin negligee. They hit those huge notes and sound fine together... singing a hymn... on the American Idol Finale...  Sadly, Jerry Lewis does not magically appear.

Giving Deandre the opening he's been waiting for all season, the guys sing a tribute to Robin Gibb and The Bee Gees. Colton, wearing a jacket with a monster-sized collar, makes some exceptionally weird faces as he sings some truly horrible notes.

Jessica comes out in a black prom dress to sing And I am Telling You. She's joined by Jennifer Holliday, in a green prom dress. I know that JH was the original Effie in Dream Girls, but she has been publicly ungracious about Jennifer Hudson's performances, which does not sit well with me. As with Jessica, there is no denying Ms. Holliday's talent, but my lordy, this is the most over-acted, over-dramatic, over-the-top performance I've ever seen. Jennifer Holliday seriously looks like she's having a stroke. Amazingly, Jessica is holding her own in this Diva-Off. I feel exhausted just watching it and am relieved when it's finally over.

Well, it took them two years, but Aerosmith is finally going to perform on the AI stage. Steven is decked out in streamers and a floaty dressing gown. Say what you will about Steven Tyler (and I certainly have), the man is a genuine superstar. I don't recognize their first song, which is not surprising. The Hub doesn't recognize it either, which is. But we both know song #2. The entire world knows song #2. No auto-tune or lip syncing for this bunch- this is a true live performance. Tyler is doing pretty well for an old fart.

Okay, we've frittered almost two hours, and it's time for the Top 2 Duet. Phil is in an actual tux, though he's wearing a v-neck tee shirt under the vest, rather than a shirt. Jessica is wearing burgundy movie theater drapes. They're singing Up Where We Belong. Phil is all Joe Cocker and Jessica is oversinging. It's okay but nothing special.

And now, finally, it's time to get down to it.

Ryan calls for the envelope, which is carried onstage by a very tall fellow. Phil babbles. Jessica ditto.

Dim the lights...
132 million votes...
The winner of Season 11 is...

Phil Phillips!

Heejun is maybe even happier than Phil, who appears to be in shock. Ryan hands Phil his guitar and Phil readies himself to sing Home, which is the best coronation song in the history of this show. It's actual music (which I have already purchased).

Phil starts out okay, but he begins to lose it about halfway through, and by the final refrain, he leaves the stage to go hug his family.

And so, after 4 months and a lot of whining, that's it for Season 11. Every year about this time, I declare that I will never again recap this show, and every January, I'm back at it. It's an illness, lemee tellya. Will I be back next Jan? More than likely. Until then, Seacrest Out!

Edited to add- my description did not do it justice... here's proof:

AI Season 11- Top 2 Performance- 05-22-12

Well folks, this is about it- just tonight and tomorrow left, and then we can put this season to bed. Finally.

We open with blank pages in a book, ink, pen, beginnings, fears, drive, nerves, dream, Idol!

Randy is in a sherbet orange jacket with white piping on the collar and pocket. He has a red flower, and  blue shirt with an orange and green plaid collar and front band. Steven is in a lacy purple suit over a purple silk shirt. JLo is dressed like a circus aerial act in black leggings, and a one-shouldered black leotard fashioned from spangly black feathers arranged on a sheer foundation. Her hair is slicked up in a tight bun. Ryan is in a black suit with a black tie, and a red polka dot pocket square. His pompadour is front and center.

Phil helps Jessica enter down the stairs. Ryan interviews them- Jessica is excited, Phil is incoherent. They're going to sing three songs apiece, all in a one hour show, so Ryan is going to have to keep things moving  smartly tonight,. That's why they pay him the big bucks.

Phil won the coin toss, and he elects to go last.

# Round 1. Simon Fuller chose Whitney Houston's I Who Have Nothing for Jessica's first song.  Jessica is dressed in a saloon girl's undershift. Well, Fuller chose a song perfectly suited to Jessica's strengths- it's a big song that builds up into a Huge Song. There are soft parts and glory notes, and Jessica is technically flawless. She even seems to have the vibrato under control tonight.

Simon Fuller chose Ben E. King's Stand By Me for Phil, and once again, he chose perfectly. Phil is in a clean, unironed chambray shirt, and he's playing his guitar, with a bongo backup. Oh my, this is wonderful. Wow! I'm not the only one who thinks so- I can actually hear the audience singing along.

Ryan rattles off the multiple voting phone numbers in some sort of weird accent, and then asks the Judges what they thought of Round 1. JLo says that it's the battle of the opposites (and she's absolutely correct). Randy gives Round 1 to Jessica. Steven is not asked for his opinion.

I think that each song was just right for the singer. Jessica was technically perfect, but  for what it's worth,  I'll be buying Phil's song tomorrow.

Jason Derulo's collaboration with the internet is up next. He's sitting down on a folding chair, and he isn't wearing his neck brace as he sings Undefeated. He does get up and dance a bit, though he does it pretty carefully. He's wearing tan cargo pants and a black and red jacket.  Someone must have sprinkled itching powder in his jockeys because the poor young man keeps picking at his nether regions. I'm embarrassed for him, doing that on national TV, when everyone is watching. How will he ever live it down? Oh, the song? It's not terrible, but it's nothing that I'll need to hear again. I won't be rushing to download one of the 10,000 free copies.

For Round #2 Jessica chose her favorite performance of the season, which evidently is The Prayer. She's wearing a champagne pink, floaty chiffon toga with a pink sparkly belt. The song is all glory notes and wind machine. Again, it's technically perfect, but this song leaves me cold. I have no connection to it at all.

I have a whole list of songs that I'd like to hear Phil sing again, so I squint in confusion when I hear that he's chosen to re-perform Billy Joel's Movin' Out. If I had remembered that he performed it, it still would not have been in my Top 5 Phil Song List. That said, Phil (in a black long sleeved tee) is doing just fine with it. It's PP from beginning to end. and the Sax Lady is playing a soprano tonight.

Steven says that Jessica won Round 2. Randy says it's a dead heat. JLo gives the round to Phil.

From me, Jessica gets the nod for technical perfection, Phil gets the nod for performance, and neither one gets anything for song choice.

Round #3 consists of their possible Winner's Single, though let's not kid ourselves- both of these songs will be released. Probably sooner rather than later.

Jessica is sitting on a piano. She's wearing black leggings, a chartreuse tunic top, a white jacket, and black boots. The song is called Change Nothing, and it's totally Disney. Miley Cyrus could release this tomorrow. It's probably a good choice, given the demographics involved, but the song itself is kind of shrieky, and we're not hearing the vocal depth that brought Jessica to this point in the competition. From the look on her face, I think she knows it too.

Randy loves Jessica but did not love the song. JLo wanted more from her than a pop ballad. Steven echoes the other two. It feels wrong to ding Jessica for the song when she didn't choose it. Then she says something to Ryan that makes me think that maybe she did select this song after all. Hmmmm.

Phil, in a gray jacket over a gray tee, is singing a song called Home. He's playing his guitar (some pretty complex strumming), and this song is folky with a side order of Paul Simon. It's much better suited to Phil's voice and style than Jessica's was for her. Oh, there's a Drum Corps marching around, and even more amazing than a Drum Corps, is that the DC feels integral to the song, and not like a gimmick.

The judges give Phil a Standing O. In the audience, Jimmy Iovine gives Phil a Standing O. The audience goes wild.

Randy says: Brilliant, Genius, Perfect! JLo giddily giggles that it was Phil Phil all the way. Steven is on the same wavelength that The Hub and I are, and says that he heard a bit of Paul Simon in there.

Since Ryan did not ask the judges who won the evening, he has a couple of minutes to kill, during which he forces Jessica and Phil to gush about each other. Neither one is particularly comfortable doing this, but they sound sincere in liking and respecting each other.

Scotty McCreery,  wearing a white shirt and a brown vest, sings Please Remember Me, and plays us out over clips from the season.

Ryan may not have asked the Judges who won the night, but for me, the best songs were Jessica #1, and Phil #1 and #3. The worst was Jessica #3. Given the Idol voting record, I think Phil is going to take the title, but I will  not be in the least surprised at either outcome.

We'll see soon enough.

AI Season 11- Top 3 Elimination, 05-17-12

Man, I hate Subway commercials. All of them.

Since when does Paul Simon licence his voice to American Idol? Homeward Bound, clips from the home visits and last night's performances, and a reminder that someone is going home tonight, as though anyone could forget.

Randy is in a black leather jacket, a shirt, and a tie that is white on the top and black and white checks on the bottom. Steven is in a white jacket over an orange and pink paisley shirt. JLo is in a fuchsia chiffon halter top with a floaty neck bow, a floaty turquoise skirt, and a red belt. Her hair is soft and pretty, and she has lip color tonight. All in all, a good look. Ryan is in a gray tweed jacket over a blue shirt, with a natty yellow pocket square with teeny red polka dots.

The Top 3 sing Got To Get You Into My Life, the Vegas Version, and that's just about all I need to say about that.

Evidently Phil has permanently opted out of the Fordmercials. Tonight's effort is actually sort of clever, with Jessica and Joshua playing Keystone Cops and Robbers in a silent movie.

Ryan calls Joshua down, but we know better than to expect results this early in the show. Joshua is wearing a far too tight black shirt with white collar piping. Jimmy says: #1was good but not great, an 8 out of 10 but  not deserving of a standing ovation. #2 Joshua is an exciting showman, but he overcompensated with riffs and runs rather than singing the simple but moving melody. #3 something was missing, the song didn't have enough melody for Joshua's style of over singing (interesting since Jimmy chose the song).

And then Ryan sends Joshua back to the others, just like we knew he would.

Then we spend far too much time promoting the 300th Ice Age movie. I'm not recapping a 6 minute commercial, or the absolutely horrible song the Top 4 recorded for it.

And now, words I never thought I'd use in conjunction with this show: it's time for Lisa Marie Presley to sing. The stage is decked out like a Fairy Tale forest, and The Mad Hatter is playing guitar. The song is You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet, but it's not the Bachman Turner Overdrive one. This song is surprisingly not horrible, though the only lyrics I can understand are the words to the title because Lisa Marie mumbles into the microphone like a drunk Agent Scully on karaoke night.

Omigod, they're talking about next season's audition dates already.

Ryan calls Jessica down next. She's wearing a vaguely Grecian white dress with a modesty panel on the bodice, open sides, two narrow black belts, and a floaty skirt. Iovine says: #1 singer and song were both good, but not together, #2 not the right song, and not the right moment, #3 admits he chose the wrong song, forcing Jessica to sing a solo song that should actually be a duet.

Commercial Comment: I so think I can dance.

The Top 12 are in the audience. Also Rita Wilson and Carole Bayer Sager. Ryan takes a bit of time to acknowledge the passing of Donna Summer. Then it's right back to business.

Adam Lambert has a new album out called Trespassing, and a new single called Never Close Our Eyes. A decidedly un-glam Adam is wearing a neon green shirt and earrings. The band (boys and girls, though I'm not entirely sure which is which) color coordinates with Adam, who is doing an excellent job of reminding us that James Durbin is the poor man's Adam Lambert.

Ryan calls Phil (gray shirt over a white tee shirt) down. Iovine: #1 was a great job, showcasing Phil's original sound. #2 respects Phil but didn't love the performance, #3 best Phil performance ever, and best performance of the night. Jimmy was knocked out by the depth and emotion.

Finally, with all three on stage, it's time for the reveal. But first, Ryan aks the judges what they think. Randy says this is the Best Top 3 ever (he may be right ), and that all three will have Big Careers. JLo is weepy already, and talks about The Journey. Steven loves all three and then quotes Happy Talk from South Pacific.

My prediction during the commercial is that Jessica is going home. The Hub thinks Joshua will get the boot.

Back onstage, with the lights dimmed, and 90 million votes.... Jessica is safe. So much for my psychic abilities.

Joshua is actually standing with his arm around Phil's shoulders, bravely risking cooties. Ryan draws it out as long as he can, aaannnnddddd...... whattya know, Phil is in!

Well, I didn't like Joshua personally, and I barely tolerated most of his performances, but I fully acknowledge his talent, and if he records old-time Motown-style stuff, he'll have a huge career.

JLo is ugly-crying. Joshua sings and hugs at the same time. Phil is grinning widely, as well he should. The voting power of little girls is nearly unstoppable, so he has a very good chance of winning next week.

I guess we'll know soon enough.

AI Season 11 Top 3 Performance- 05/16/12

So, tonight we're going to visit Leesburg, GA, Chula Vista, CA, and Westlake, LA. Ryan says it's to salute their Hometown Heroes. We'll see how salutey they were.

JLo is wearing a cream pantsuit. The jacket is not big enough in the butt, and the pants are cuffed and too short. However, her tousled hair looks good and her smoky eyes shadow is great. She's wearing nude lipstick again, though. Seven in in a black lizzard jacket and necklaces featuring animal teeth and feathers. Randy is in a creamcicle orange jacket with a pocket watch as a lapel pin, over a black and white tee (with Texas on it, I think). He's also wearing kindergarten bead bracelets. Ryan is in a gray suit with a red pocket square, and a tie. Jimmy Iovine is in the audience in a letter jacket, and glasses that look half-full.

#1. Randy chose Etta James' I'd Rather be Blind for Joshua (a song that 12 year old Rachel Crow absolutely killed on The X-Factor. That may well have been the best performance I've ever seen on a singing talent show). Joshua is wearing yet another too-tight jacket, and this one isn't just a smidge too tight, it looks easily two sizes too small. It's black with white top-stitching, red buttons, and a huge red boutonniere (side note: it took me about 6 tries to get the right spelling. Spell check tried to substitute: butterfinger, Robspierre, and, inexplicably, Guitierrez before I stumbled on the correct spelling). I want to take a minute to talk about Joshua's pants- all season, he's worn jackets that are just plain too tight, but at the same time, he wears pants that are poochy in the crotch. I would just assume that all jeans fit that way now (the way they all ride far below the waist), but none of the other guys on the show (or anywhere else) wear pants like that. He's doing it on purpose and I wish he'd stop because it makes me feel creepy that I notice it.

Anyway, the song: it's very very good, until the end where Joshua goes where Joshua usually goes. On the other hand, this is one of those songs that begs for Over The Top, so I'll give him props. The judges all love it, of course.

Hmmm... the same song is playing on a Kraft commercial... coincidence?

#2. JLo chose... well, I don't know the title of the song because she babbled so long trying to build up suspense that Ryan had interrupt and throw it to Jessica. She's wearing a strapless, deep purple satin Jr. Miss gown with ruffles and ruches. She starts out on a pedestal (no support this time, so I assume it's not going to rise above the fog). Whatever this song is, it's quiet and soft, and outside of Jessica's runaway vibrato (she truuly needs to get a handle on that) and more runs than necessary, it's really very pretty. Once again, the judges chose well. This is the best I've liked Jessica since I Will Always Love You.

Do you need me to tell you how the judges feel? I didn't think so.

The Top 12 are in the audience, including that tall girl whose name I do not remember. Phil missed Heejun. Me too.

#3. Phil, in a gray tee and a gray shirt. Steven chose a song that is either called Banging, or Begging. I think maybe it's Begging. It starts out with just Phil and his guitar in a spotlight, then the lights come up and a whole band joins him. There is some complex strumming involved in this song. I don't know it, but it sounds good, with lots of ooohooo-ing, which Phil does very well. This does not strike me as an easy song to play or perform. I think he did really well.

The audience goes wild, and the judges are thrilled.

Round #1 goes to all 3. Or more precisely, it goes to the judges, who, for once, chose perfect songs for each of the kids.

#4. Joshua is wearing a different black jacket, though this one fits a little better, over a blue shirt. He brought back Mardi Gras beads for Ryan, a feather boa for JLo, and sparkly glasses for Randy and Steven from his visit to Westlake, LA.

Hometown Visit: jet, proud family, crawfish boil, many people, Daddy's church, parade, cute niece, costumes, floats, waving dogs, babies, high school gym, stadium, singing, and fireworks.

Joshua's personal song choice is John Lennon's Imagine, which sounds like a mistake to me. And yep, it's a mistake. Joshua is singing in a much higher range than usual, and his vibrato overwhelms everything. It's not horrible, but it's also not amazing. Steven: beautiful, JLo: controlled, Randy: babble

#5. Jessica is in an ugly brown strappy jumpsuit, with a bustier top and very loose legs (it almost looks like a skirt). The cut, style and fit are ugly, but the color itself is also terrible. Her heavy turquoise necklace is pretty though. She says that she was home schooled in Chula Vista, CA, so she didn't have many friends.

Hometown Visit: helicopter, woooooo!, empty audition stadium, very long limo, little brothers, sparsely attended parade (at least in comparison to Joshua's- though that may just be because Californians are not so excited about seeing celebrities), high school (not Jessica's, since she is home schooled), stands not full, navy ship, midshipmen, proud father, autographing, helicopter.

Jessica's personal song choice is Aerosmith's Don't Want to Miss a Thing, which really really feels like a mistake. And yep, a definite mistake. She's oversinging and not connecting at all, and that 2nd to the last note was painful.

Steven stands up but the others don't. JLo praises, but she doesn't really mean it. Randy: fairly, like, whoa, like, faint praise, whoa

Oh Phil, please please please stop making those stupid faces.

#6. Phil has changed to a plain brown shirt.

Hometown Visit: private jet, lots and lots of screaming little girls behind fences, long black limo, family pawn shop, big ladies demanding hugs, very proud pistol-packin' papa, teary-eyed Phil, taxidermied turkey, mama in a horrible top, sisters, big crowd at parade, bigger crowd at stadium, visibly moved Phil.

Phil's personal song choice is Matchbox 20's Disease. Hey, I know this song! His usual sax player is joined by a bongo player (bongoist?). I love the Caribbean beat. I forget to take notes because I am just listening to, and enjoying, the music.

JLo is underwhelmed. Steven also. Randy takes a very long time, and is a total jerk about saying exactly the same thing.

Round #2: Phil, and Phil alone.

#7. Joshua is in a scoop neck black tee shirt under yet another black jacket, this one with a zipper front and spangly shoulders. Jimmy Iovine chose something by Mary J. Blige, but I didn't catch the title. Whatever the song is, the piano intro is exactly the same as the theme song for The Young and the Restless. Boy, this song is doing absolutely nothing for me. Joshua bounces throughout (and I mean constantly- he's getting a real aerobic workout), and by halfway through, he's in full-on Fantasia Mode, shedding his jacket and shouting and going batshit crazy.

Joshua: smug smug smug
Judges: gush gush gush

#8. Jessica is in a red jacket that has very tight knit sleeves and a leather body, with glitter pockets.  Under the jacket, she appears to be wearing a peekaboo top made from green striped ruffles. She's also wearing black leather pants, and Moon Boots. Jimmy Iovine has chosen The Jackson 5's I'll Be There for her so that she can appeal to us Old Farts, while still being young. Well... this is better than I expected, though it's decidedly odd.

JLo praises but the praise feels reserved. Steven enjoyed it. Randy says that he wanted a "moment moment moment" (exact quote), but didn't get it.

#9. Phil is in black on black on black. Jimmy Iovine chose Bob Seger's We've Got Tonight for him. Phil sings with a piano backer. He sits on a stool (no guitar), and rubs his hand on his leg the whole time. There's lots of melody here, and the song sounds nice, but it's subdued and there is no growl. I wonder if it's going to be too quiet for the judges.

Whoa- all 3 of them give Phil a Standing O.
Randy loved it. JLo says it was sweet. Steven: bleep bleep bleep

So, winners tonight:
Rnd #1: All 3
Rnd #2: Phil
Rnd #3: Phil, Jessica distant second

My favorite of the night: Phil #2.

But I'm not taking any bets- any one of the 3 could go home tomorrow.

AI Season 11- Top 4 Elimination, 05-10-12

Hang in there with me folks, only two more weeks left- I am so ready for this season to be over. In the meantime, we get shots of winners and near winners at their Hometown Visits. If Taylor Hicks was in there, I missed him. None of the Surviving 4 want to go home, they all want their Hometown Visits. Of course, all four of them are going home- one is just going to stay there.

JLO is wearing a cream-colored, short, floaty, 60's maternity dress. Her hair is pulled up and back in barrettes. Steven is in a shirt made of shiny golden lizard skin, and a black leather jacket. Randy is wearing a blue and white polka dot shirt with a cardigan. A cardigan with a blue body, cream sleeves, and red trim. He's wearing large yellow pin that is vaguely shaped like a lumpy no-necked human. The pin appears to have a raised portion- a decoration, if you will, plopped smack on the crotchal region. Is it a penis? Is it a vagina? Is it a trough of some sort? Beats the hell outta me.

Ryan is in a blue suit and a pinstriped shirt and no tie. He says that David Cook is performing tonight. Also JLo.

The Group Sing is California Dreamin'. There are a lot of random teenagers on stage standing behind behind velvet ropes on either side of a wide aisle. The Fab 4 come out, lined up side by side. They saunter down between the velvet ropes, and then they saunter back. And then they saunter forward again. They actually sound not horrible on this song, but I'm so fascinated by the strolling that I have a hard time hearing them.

We segue directly into the Fordmercial, or at least we segue into a Behind The Fordmercial Scenes segment. We see Hollie and Jessica and Joshua- evidently Phil has been given a permanent commercial pass. They're featuring Ford's electric car, the Focus. The BTS stuff is far more interesting than the actual commercial.

Ryan calls Phil (red/white/blue plaid shirt over a brown tee) down. Iovine says that Phil's found himself in his #1 song, and that his #2 song delivered on the season-long promise. He would sign Phil.

Ryan calls for the lights to be dimmed, and mentions that 70 million votes were cast. And then he sends Phil back to the bleachers without a verdict. The audience boos. The Taylors boo.

Next, Ryan calls Hollie (straight hair, prominent boobs, blue strapless sun dress with a narrow white belt and two bands of white trim on the hem). Iovine says that Hollie's faults actually helped her on #1 because it's a dramatic song, but that she crashed and burned on #2.

Again, Ryan sends Hollie back to the others without telling us any results. I'm tired of this ploy already.

Has David Cook been on already this season? I can't remember for sure- the seasons all run together. David is in black on black on black (including his guitar). His hair is spiked off-center, and his facial hair is scruffy. The song is okay, though it sounds like every other schmoopy ballady rock song.

Ryan calls Joshua (short-sleeved white knit shirt with yellow, green, red, and blue stripes, and white tennis shoes). Iovine says that #1 was High School, and the gospel choir was out of place, but that #2 was pure magic.

Ryan sends him back.

Jessica (low-slung black leather pants, and a floaty print bandana shirt over a pink tube top) is next. Iovine says #1 was technically fine but it still wasn't a good idea to sing a song suited to a much more mature person, but that #2, also technically flawless, was great and that Tommy Motola agreed.

And Jessica is sent back too.

We pretend that JLo is doing a live performance of her song Dance Again, but there is a very elaborate set and lots of smoke and lights, and there are no judges watching. She's wearing a glittery blue swimsuit whose neckline plunges to the waist, with black nylons and heels. She, and the shirtless Backup Hunks dance in and around a Stargate. There is less auto-tune than usual, which allows us to hear the lyrics (Ms. Lopez loves to make love to us, Baby). There are a couple of silver-clad Dancer Girls as well. I wonder if the solo dancer is her current Boy Toy- he's wearing dark pants (as opposed to the light camo on the Auxiliary Boy Toys), and there is an awful lot of butt grabbing. After the singing stops, Dark Pants steps up behind JLo and fixes a stray hair strand. It's such an intimate thing to do on stage, and it's actually sorta sweet.

Afterwards, JLo is back, in her maternity mini, looking fresh and rested. Ryan calls all 4 kids down to center stage. Steven talks about Phil. JLo talks about Hollie. Randy expounds on Joshua. JLo praises Jessica. All of them say basically the same things: the kids have grown, they tried hard, they deserve to be there, and they will all succeed.

In short order, Ryan sends Jessica and Joshua safely back to the bleachers. Phil is philosophical and Hollie is resigned. Ryan reminds us of other shockers in general, and Daughtry in particular, and then he says that Phil is safe.

This is exactly as it should be, except that it could have happened any time in the last 4 or 5 weeks. JLo is teary-eyed. Joshua is weeping (genuine tears, genuine sadness). Jessica squeezes out a trace of moisture. Phil is philosophical.

Hollie sings The Climb, which really is the perfect song for her. She has a good voice, and with maybe a few more years under her belt, she'll become a great performer.

AI Season 11-Top 4 Performance, 05-09-12

Did you know that Skylar packed up her dozen pairs of sparkle and fringe cowboy boots, and her trunks full of horrible outfits, and went home last week? Hollie is bereft. Jessica, not so much.

JLo's short dress fades from charcoal to silver in sequins. Her hair is swept up and over her head, into a French Roll with 80's bangs, and her lavender lipstick matches her fingernail polish. Steven is in a white suit and vest with no shirt underneath. His hair is tied back in a pony tail and yet it still manages to look messier than usual. Randy is in a peach/pink/white checked carnival barker jacket.

Ryan is in a 3-piece suit with a burgundy striped tie and a yellow pocket square. I don't know if it's the lighting or if his hair really does have a pink tinge to it tonight. Both he and Steven appear to have little lapel pins representing the number 6. I have no idea what that means.

Ryan says that the kids will sing two rounds- California songs (either about CA or by singers form CA), and Songs They Wish They'd Written. I say: oh dear.

#1. Phil talks about his journey thus far, but it's mostly *happy to be here*. He's singing CCR's Have You Ever Seen the Rain. Phil has added another color to his wardrobe: blue. He's singing without his guitar, but with exactly the right amount of growl and grit. I imagine that John Fogarty would approve. Hmmm. are we singing the whole song tonight? It appears so, and I suppose I should not be surprised, given that we have 2 hours to fill. Again. Still. Some more. Randy mentions pitch problems at the beginning, which I did not notice. JLo and Steven both love it. Phil confesses that he messed the lyrics up a bit.

#2. Hollie remembers that she made it to the Top Whatever in Season 10, only to be cut, so she's very glad to be here now. I understand that growing up in both England and Texas did a number on her accent, but I still admit to being totally confused by it. She's wearing black skinny pants, high heels, and an exceptionally complex top- it's red, and tight and short on one side, and loose and long on the other side, and it appears to have long, wide tails or streamers in the back. And a pink bow. She's singing Journey's Forever Yours. It's not awful, but it's not great either, even with the help of the wind machine. Randy says that Hollie is peaking, and then throws in the obligatory Journey mentions. JLo says it was emotional (JLo is wrong). Steven babbles something about flowers.

Jason Derullo, still wearing the fancy studded neck brace, talks a bit about the lyric contest,  but I fully expect to mute this winning collaboration when it's performed on the finale, and have no intention of listening to him talk about it now.

#3 Joshua also tried out in some earlier year (with a nasty proto-mustache) and was told to come back later. He's wearing a tan windbreaker over a weirdly constructed tee shirt with a cowl neckline. He's singing Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up (evidently Groban is from California, since the song has nothing to do with the state). Joshua sings on a black pedestal, surrounded by backup singers. He's leaning against one of those stands that prop up waving Festival Queens on rickety parade floats, and I am suddenly certain that they're going to take the song literally. He's singing the song in as restrained a manner as possible, and I still don't like it.. and yep... there he goes, up up up on the rising platform. Can you hear my eyes rolling? JLo loves the dram-a (rhymes with Bam-a). Steven gushes. Randy thinks Joshua took Groban to church, like this song has ever been anywhere else.

#4 Jessica is planning to sing Etta James, which fills me with dread. If she attempts At Last, it will be even worse than last week's Tina Turner fiasco. Jessica has been oversinging since she was a toddler. Onstage, she's wearing white jeans with a wide black stripe down the sides, like she needs to look skinnier. Her top is loose-ish and cropped-ish, and has wide white and black bands with some weird blue Flash Gordon shoulder pad action going on. Her hair has been crimped. She's singing Steal Away, which is better than At Last, though not by much. She's hitting all of the notes, but it's obvious that Jessica has not a clue as to what this song is really about. The judges don't care- they gushgushgush.

Phil and Joshua are going to sing this Love by Maroon 5 as a duet. I wonder how far and quickly Joshua can jump away from Phil tonight. They start out with Joshua standing on yin/yang pianos, with Phil joining him from the ground. They sound better together than they did last week. In fact, this is not bad at all. They're singing with each other rather than against each other, and they appear to be enjoying themselves. The judges are well pleased.

Hollie and Jessica will now sing Eternal flame, which is just plain wrong. They start out on swings. That's right, they're sitting on fabric swings and they're swinging while they sing. Wow, this is terrible- Eternal Flame is supposed to be plaintive and a bit undersung. They're both trying to turn it into a power ballad. It's painfully bad and the judges make no bones about it. Randy flatly states his dislike. JLo says it's not as bad as all that (which means it certainly was), and Steven is apologetic.

Commercial Break: I'm confused about is this WalMart DVD to Digital thing that they're constantly talking about. So many questions: Are they putting the movies on flash drives? Are they uploading them to The Cloud (one of the clouds, anyway)? Don't they realize that the D in DVD already means *digital*. Aren't there copyright infringement issues here? And can they transfer my VHS tapes so I can watch them again?

I am not going to waste time recapping a plug for a movie that Christopher Guest and Michael McKean surely did better in the 80's. And I am sorry, but no amount of scripted banter will ever convince me that Ryan has a girlfriend.

The Top 4 now take the stage to sing Foreigner's I've Been Waiting. Joshua has ditched the windbreaker, but otherwise everyone is wearing what they had on before. This isn't horrible, and it's certainly better than Eternal Flame, but it's still not pleasant.

#5. Phil's inspiration song is called Volcano, by Damien Rice. Iovine thinks this is the perfect song choice. Onstage, Phil is wearing a tan jacket over a gray tee shirt. He gets dramatic lighting, just him and the guitar, a cello player and a single backup singer. I don't know this song (big surprise there), but it's unusual. And it's very good- compelling and lovely. This is an excellent performance- as Phil as it gets. Steven loves it. JLo says it was A Moment (I agree). Randy says it's the best Phil performance of the season (again, I agree).

#6. Oh no, Hollie is going to sing I Can't Make You Love Me. Iovine worries about Hollie's lack of emotional connection with the song, and he tells her not to oversing it. Onstage, she's wearing a poorly fitted navy jumpsuit with a low-slung belt. I am pretty sure that I can never hear anyone sing this song without comparing it to Bonnie Raitt, but even without that comparison, Hollie's performance is falling far, far short. You can sing the words and the melody correctly and still not sing the song. Hollie isn't even coming close to singing the song, and the judges agree with  me.

#7 Joshua is singing James Brown's It's A Man's World (I know the song, but I'm not sure if there are supposed to be two *Man's* in the title or not). Iovine is flat out blown away. Onstage, Joshua is wearing a shiny black jacket (it's not quite shiny enough for satin, so my guess is silk) and a bright red flower on his lapel. Okay, I've made it clear all season that I do not like Joshua, so you'll know how good this is when I say that it's amazing. This may be the one and only song where Joshua's patented Over The Top-ness is perfect. Joshua is holding back where he should, and going Batshit exactly where it's called for, and wrestling James Brown to the ground. He gets a Standing O from the judges, which he absolutely earned. JLo is transported way beyond GOOSIES!! and right into Spanish.

#8. When Ryan says that Jessica is singing something from Dreamgirls, my heart sinks. Iovine was disappointed in Jessica's Proud Mary, but he's impressed tonight. Jessica is wearing a blue one-shouldered top with one long, full, cuffed, pink sleeve, and a black skirt. The floor is shrouded in fog. And of course, she's singing And I Am Telling You. Was there even a chance that she'd choose any other number? She doesn't bother with the quiet intro, or the slow build, or the heartbreak, or any real connection with the song at all. Jessica winds right into the power stuff, cranking it to Joshua Levels, and keeping it there throughout. She has a huge voice and a huge talent, but this performance left me completely cold, though of course the judges loved it. Randy says that Joshua, Phil, and Jessica really stepped it up tonight.

Worst tonight: Hollie #1-2, Hollie/Jessica duet

Technically there but still awful: Jessica #1-2

Best: Phil 1#2, Joshua #2, Phil/Joshua duet

Who's going home? It better be Hollie.

AI Season 11- Top 5 Elimination, 05-03-12

We open with a Top 5 photo shoot full of poses and candids. We're reminded that last night JLo said that Joshua was the best singer she's seen in 50 years. Does that mean that JLo is AARP fodder?

Randy is in a black leather jacket with a bright yellow YO pin. Steven is in a sparkly suit. He has a pair of pink plastic lips hanging from a chain attached to his lapel. He occasionally applies the totally superfluous fake lips to his mouth, and then spits them out. Steven is weird, y'all. JLO is sporting tight black pants with several hip zippers. Her top is tight and silvery and the cap sleeves are jewel encrusted.

Ryan is in a charcoal 3-piece suit and tie, with a teal pocket square. He announces that one kid is going home tonight, which is a startling development, I must say. When did they start doing that? He also says that Coldplay and Carrie Underwood will both perform tonight, though I assume not at the same time.

We start right in with the results. Ryan calls Joshua (weird gray tee shirt with a cowl collar and shiny buttons) down. Iovine says that Joshua's performances are the ones to beat. He gushes and exclaims and then ends with a totally unnecessary Fat Joke at Randy's expense. Look, I don't like Randy either, but that was over the line.

Joshua is safe, to no one's surprise, especially Joshua, who never doubted it.

The Fordmercial is full of fairy tale weirdness, with the kids stealing golden eggs from an unseen giant. Also unseen: Phil, for the second week in a row.

Coldplay takes the stage to sing Paradise. The backdrops are black with neon graffiti, and the piano is all paint spattered. It will not surprise you that I am not familiar with the Coldplay oeuvre- I don't even know which one off them is Mr. Gwenneth Paltrow. This song isn't horrible but it's not one I would listen to again on purpose. The audience waves glow sticks in the dark, though it's not so dark that we can't see that the judges aren't in the room.

Next Ryan calls Hollie down (black scoop-necked leather vest, skinny jeans, very high heels, narrow pink belt, headband and curls) and Phil (long-sleeved tan tee). Iovine says that it was a critical week for Hollie- that he loved her #1 song but neither loved nor hated #2. He says that Phil is sick (news to us), which is too bad, but his song choices have been bland and that Phil deserves to be in the bottom 2 tonight. Phil looks a bit peaky onstage, but he engages in a bit of obviously scripted business with Ryan that involves spitting his gum onto Ryan's note cards, and then Ryan pretending to throw the gum to Iovine, who pretends to chew it. WTF? and also: eew!

To my surprise, Phil is safe. Hollie, however, does not look surprised as she heads over to the two (only) Stools of Despair.

Carrie Underwood is wearing a one-shouldered white toga/angel dress with tattered fabric streamers hanging from the shoulder. She's still incredibly beautiful, and she's learned a whole lot about owning the stage since Season 4. Her song, called Blown Away, is not very melodical or lyrical, and it's not in the least Country. The wind machine exposes Carrie's leg, and threatens to expose a whole lot more. The Judges are in the room for this performance. Gosh, Carrie has a new album to promote. Imagine that.

Skylar (in a bright green chiffon mullet dress and what I first think is a long black belted vest, but when she moves around, I see that the vest is really a long black scarf. She's also wearing fringed cowboy boots. In other words- she's dressed in a perfect Skylar Costume) and Jessica (dark skinny pants, and a one-shouldered, orange ruffle fest) hit the stage. Iovine says that Skylar is a fighter but she didn't quite connect with her #1 song, and #2 was pure Vegas. He says that Jessica's #1 song was a travesty, and that her dress was horrible and far too mature for a teenager (I stand up in my living room and cheer). However, Iovine loved every part of Jessica's #2 song.

Ryan asks the judges what they think of Iovine's assessment of Jessica's dress. JLo says that it might have been too much for Middle America (whereupon I shout at the TV that dressing 16 year olds up like hookers is unacceptable on the coast too). Randy allows that the dress might have been a tad over the top. But the dress wasn't enough to sink Jessica- she's safe.

Hollie and Skylar clutch each other in misery. They're Besties and it's easy to see that they're scared for themselves, but also frightened for each other, since one of them is going home.

Coldplay takes the stage again, and this song is enough like the last that I feel free to get up and fix myself a drink instead of taking notes. In my absence, the main guy (Mr. P, I presume) spends half of the song bent over at the waist, and the other half, standing up straight with his non-microphone hand floating precariously close to his nether regions. At the end, the entire place is showered with roughly a bazillion post-it notes.

The show tries to pretend that Coldplay just performed live by sprinkling a few bits of paper on Ryan, but since the stage is swept clean, we know better. Ryan says that nearly 60 million votes decided who is going home.

And that one is... Skylar.

Hollie falls apart and JLo cries, but Skylar pulls her shit together like the seasoned pro that she is, and attacks her final singout with high energy and a big smile. I thought that both of Skylar's performances were  the worst of last night, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to see her go home. By the look of things though, I think she's going to be just fine.

AI Season 11- Top 5 Performance, 05-02-12

We relive Elise's elimination, and also her organdy bed jacket. And then the remaining kids each assure us that they want to win.

Entering from the stage (for the first time in a couple of weeks), Randy is in a shiny (not sparkly) gold jacket over a black shirt. Steven is in white lingerie. JLo is wearing a calf-length, skin tight red dress with cut-in shoulders and a very low v-neck with a transparent white modesty panel. Her extensions are very straight tonight and she's actually wearing lip color. Ryan is in pewter polished cotton, and a tie. His pompadour has reached Clay Aiken heights.

Ryan tells us that tonight the kids will each sing one song from the 60's, and one from Brit Pop. Tonight's Guest Mentor is Steven Van Zandt (I don't feel quite comfortable calling him Little, firstly because I think he's older than I am, and secondly, because he isn't). SVZ is in a shapeless purple jacket and coordinating babushka. Ryan says that SVZ is charismatic. I don't think Ryan knows what that word means.

#1. Hollie- River Deep, Mountain High.
I & SVZ are not sure if this is going to work for Hollie. I agree with them.

Onstage, Hollie is wearing a short sparkly shift with an allover sort of geometric pattern of tan, peach, and cream. Her chain earrings hang well below her shoulders. This song is not one of my favorites even when Tina Turner sings it. There's not a whole lot of melody to it. I think Hollie is doing okay, but it's still not a very good match for her voice. She's more relaxed than I've seen her, and she seems to be enjoying her own performance, which is nice to see.

I am surprised that all three judges loved it.

I do wish Phil would stop making those stupid damn faces every time the camera goes by. The head tilt, squint and sneer are really starting to annoy me.

#2 Phil- The Letter
I & SVZ bicker a bit over Phil's general style, with SVZ saying that it's not the Miss America Pageant, and that artistry also matters.

Phil is wearing a khaki green shirt over a gray tee, and he's playing the guitar. This is another song that I don't love (and I came to loathe it during the lead-up to Season 5 when Chris Daughtry's audition of this song was played constantly in the commercials). But Phil is doing his patented growly/bluesy/raspy thing with it, and it's very good.

The audience goes crazy. Randy gushes, JLo doesn't know the song (seriously?), and Steven thinks that Phil got away with skipping the melody altogether.

Phil's cute hometown girlfriend is in the audience.

#3 Skylar
I & SVZ don't like Skylar's first song choice, and they talk her into Fortunate Son.

Skylar's outfit is nearly indescribable (literally- I don't have the words for many of the individual components). She appears to be wearing a white on white striped short rayon dress topped by a black sort-of- Heidi vest with a line of sparkly white diamonds marching across the stomach. There's a sparkly, fringed shawl apparently sewn to the waistline, and she's wearing glitter boots. Oh, and her huge metal earrings look like they weigh a ton. The whole thing is even uglier and less flattering than it sounds. Speaking of sound, her voice is not pleasant here, it's kind of screamy. But girlfriend works the stage like a pro.

JLo talks for a long time without saying much of anything, Steven likes the boot scootin', and Randy name-drops CCR. None of the judges mention the actual singing.

Joshua and Phil are going to sing a duet together for the first time. This should be interesting. Phil is wearing the same outfit that he had on earlier. Joshua is in a heavy black wool jacket with wide black leather lapels (I mean really wide). The sleeves have long leather cuffs. And by long, I mean at least 10"- they go from above the wrist almost to his elbows. They're singing You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. They start out on stools, and Phil's opening solo sounds a little off. Joshua just sings his portion at first, and he sounds fine. When they sing together, they sound okay. Phil eventually warms into the song, and of course Joshua goes to his Fantasia Place by the end. Afterwards, Phil throws an arm around Joshua's shoulders and Joshua instantly pulls away, like he's been burned. It's a very weird overreaction. He continues to look uncomfortable, edging away from Phil every time he gets within touching distance.

Steven babbles about the guys singing into each others' eyes (you know that Phil and Heejun would have done that), JLo laughs, and Randy says something.

#4. Jessica- Proud Mary
I & SVZ both try to talk Jessica out of Proud Mary, but they end up supporting the song choice.

Jessica is wearing a very short, very tight white wrap dress with a heavy metal semi-circular necklace , a vest made of many drapey chains, and a big ring with chain fringe. If I close my eyes, Jessica sounds fine, but unfortunately I don't close my eyes. Watching her try the Tina Turner Strut makes me really uncomfortable (in a Toddlers & Tiaras way). It feels wildly inappropriate and it reminds me of just how much of a child Jessica really is.

Steven and JLo both love it. Randy says that the voice was fine, but that the performance was not up to Tina  Turner Standards. Yikes, I actually agree with Randy.

#5. Joshua- Ain't Too Proud to Beg
I & SVZ both dance in their chairs to Joshua's rehearsal.

Onstage, Joshua is wearing a navy blazer whose white sleeves have narrow blue sparkly stripes, over a royal shirt with robin's egg facing (a color scheme that I like to call Ex-Nun). He also has a huge yellow daffodil in his pocket. He's doing The Temptation's version of the song, and it sounds just fine. He's even dancing a little. Of course, this is Joshua, and Joshua simply cannot resist the Jacob Lusk finish, which ruins the whole thing for me.

Steven admires the sleeves. JLo gushes (though she does not mention GOOSIES!). Randy compares Joshua to Terence Trent d'Arby, which I think he means as a compliment.

#6. Hollie- Bleeding Love
I & SVZ remind Hollie to sing to just one person, and ignore the rest of the audience.

Hollie is seated on a piano. She's wearing an oddly-ruched black halter dress with a very long transparent overskirt. How long, you ask? Long enough to be draped and arranged on the floor below Hollie, who is still perched up on the piano. I don't know this song, but I like it. Hollie sounds good and this melody suits her voice and style very well. Afterwards, she slides down to the floor and gathers up her train.

Steven and JLo love it. Randy takes forever (and drops Simon Cowell's and Leona Lewis's names) before finally getting around to saying that he loved it too.

I am pretty sure that I just saw Pam Beesley's old fiance Roy, in the audience. Is he on another show now?

#7. Phil- Time of the Season
I& SVZ both think that this is going to be good.

Phil, with guitar, is on a stool. He's wearing a black long-sleeved tee. He removes one of his earpieces right away, so I wonder if there are sound troubles. This is far more laid back, softer, and much more melodic than Phil's usual performance. I do believe I'll be purchasing this one for download tomorrow.

JLo likes the mellow vibe. Steven says that Phil sang it well. Randy says that Phil showed, and this is an exact quote: A lot more less energy. There is the whiff of Faint Praise hanging over all of the comments.

Jessica, Hollie, and Skylar are going to sing a trio, but first they imitate each other (and Jessica has to force a smile when Hollie trots out the runaway vibrato). All three girls are wearing the same things they wore for their earlier performances. They're singing Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher, and though they sound okay, this is not a stellar performance.

Steven says it was a weird arrangement, JLo says it was cute (Cute? Baby ducks are cute! tm Annie Savoy). Randy: bablebabblebabble

#8. Skylar- You Don't Have to Say You Love Me
I & SVZ make Skylar ugly-giggle with their arguments.

Skylar has changed into a floor-length, one shouldered toga dress made from a snakeskin bed sheet. Do I even need to add that it has a white belt and a mullet hem? She wanders past a couple of prop people smooching on a bench as she sings. And, oh my, this is really nasal. I think she maybe should be singing in a lower key. This is Skylar's worst performance on the show.

But of course, all three judges love it.

#9. Jessica- You Are So Beautiful
I & SVZ are worried that Jessica will sound like Muzak.

Jessica is sitting on the floor, surrounded by candles. She's wearing a gold and purple dress (at least I think it's purple, the stage is pretty dark so it's hard to tell) with a floaty high-waisted skirt and a cris-cross bodice. She's doing the Joe Cocker version by way of Whitney Houston. Her voice sounds rich and full and lovely and I like it, except for some overdone runs at the end.

She stands up and we see that she's barefoot. Ryan brings her very high heels over, and Randy makes a nasty joke about Ryan wearing them before declaring the Judges universal love for Jessica.

#10 Joshua- To Love somebody
I & SVZ don't like Joshua's first song choice, so they talk him into The BeeGees. Joshua runs off and learns the song in 15 minutes (he'd never heard it before... sigh). He wows them.

Onstage, Joshua is wearing the same jacket as he wore in his duet with Phil. He's also wearing a drapey cowl neck tee, like the ones Colton favored. He starts out more subdued than usual, but of course the vibrato and screech quickly take over. Joshua and this song are both exhausting.

He looks very smug as he gets yet another Standing O from the judges.

Tonight's Best:
Phil #1-2
Hollie #2

Tonight's Worst:
Skylar #1-2

Almost Great Except for Excess Notage at the End:
Joshua #1
Jessica #2

Who's going home tomorrow? It could be any of them.

AI Season 11- Top 6 Elimination 04-26-12

We open with a Freddie Mercury quote, and segue to Queen quotes, Randy quotes, Elise, Skylar, Phil. Steven, Hollie, Joshua and Jessica quotes. All of this is setup for the punchline: Another one bites the dust.

Ryan wastes very little time on the Judge Entry, so I can't tell at first whether Randy's leather jacket is brown or black. I can, however, clearly see that the front of his dark tee shirt says Yo Yo Yo in big letters. Steven is in a white shirt, a black vest, and a dark arm band, like he's a riverboat gambler. JLo is in a very short, very tight lace dress (over a nude underdress). It has big black spangles, and an open back. Her hair is in a messy updo. Ryan is wearing a charcoal three-piece suit over a blue shirt with a white collar, and a puce pocket square.

Ryan says that 58 million votes were cast, and then he threatens us with Katy Perry and Stefano.

First on stage is a Queen Tribute band whose members were chosen by Queen themselves. I don't know  why Queen is concerning itself with hand-selecting their own replacements, but at least the band sounds good. I'm enjoying this more than most of the guest singers. Then the curtains open, and the rest of Queen joins the Tribute Band. This whole scenario makes no sense to me.

The Fordmercial has Skylar shopping, and the rest of the kids (minus Phil, who is nowhere to be seen) practicing magic. It also has Hollie and Joshua making hearts out of little fishies. It's every bit as lame as it sounds.

We waste time on clips of the kids visiting TMZ. Harvey Levin is creepy and wizened and orange and nasty.

Ryan calls Jessica and Elise down.
Jessica is wearing a turquoise skirt, an orange top, and a gray denim vest.  Iovine says that Jessica's Bohemian Rhapsody was a mistake but that she bought back good will with her last song.

Elise is wearing Aunt Grace's peach bed jacket over a short, blue butt-hugging dress, and a flowered headband. Iovine thinks that both of Elise's songs were mistakes, though for different reasons.

I am thoroughly tired of Ryan jerking the kids around on Elimination Night. He toys with Jessica and then sends her to safety. Elise pouts over to the Stools of Shame.

And since we have endless time to waste, Ryan sits down with Casey Abrams, who looks like a bearded, bushy-haired mountain man. I love me some Casey, but there's no reason for him to be on stage tonight. I think maybe he flew in with Stefano.

Speaking of Stefano, he's wearing an incredibly drapey black leather jacket, black jeans, and red shoes. In fact, all of his Backup Boys are wearing red shoes. There is an awful lot of computer assistance in this vocal. The whole thing (the song, the vocal, the presentation) is pretty sorry, and it gets sorrier when some other dude starts rapping. Stefano skips and lip-syncs over to the judges, where he greets Steven and JLo. Randy desperately angles for a fist bump.

Commercial Note: You could not pay me to see Dark Shadows.

Next down are Hollie and Joshua.
Hollie is wearing a white tank top, an orange and peach hankie skirt (which has what looks like a bright green stain) and a belt. Iovine says Hollie's first song ended up being out of tune but her second song maybe sort of bought her some time. Iovine hopes.

Joshua is wearing a denim jacket over a black shirt. Iovine liked Joshua's first song (boo!) and  loved  his second and says if Joshua goes home tonight, something is wrong with the Show and America. Tell us what you really think, Jimmy, why dontcha.

But I guess nothing is wrong with either one because Joshua is safe and Hollie joins Elise.

Commercial Note: Steven shills for Burger King, JLo stumps for Kohl's. What does Randy represent, outside of a life filled with bitterness and babble?

Katy Perry Apocalypse Nows onto a smoky stage, dangling from a "helicopter", along with eight of her closest camo-shorts-clad girlfriends. Katy and her purple hair and knee pads dance and prance and do calisthenics. The Soldier Besties work some business with nets and broken fences, then they march and Riverdance to an audience that does not include any judges (which means that this performance was taped earlier).

Skylar is wearing a blue dress with knife pleats, a cardigan, and sparkly boots. Iovine thinks her #1 song was good and #2 was self-indulgent and may not have had broad enough appeal.

Phil is colorful for Phil, in a lighter blue tee and a green shirt. Iovine says that Phil didn't feel well last night (first we've heard of that), and therefore his #1 song was lacking, and #2 was not right for the show. He's worried about Phil tonight.

Ryan sends Phil to safety, and Skylar to the Bottom 3, where she spends approximately 3 seconds before Ryan rescues her.

So, it's down to Hollie and Elise, which surprises exactly no one. And Elise is going home, which is also not a surprise to anyone, especially Elise, who actually looks relieved that the hammer finally fell. Elise sings herself out with Whole Lotta Love. I liked Elise, but she didn't play the game well enough, and there was absolutely zero chance that she could win. I wish her well, and I'll probably buy her eventual album.

AI Season 11-Top 6 Performance, 04-25-12

Oh hey, I forgot until just this minute, that Colton went home last week. That makes sitting through yet another 2-hour show a little more bearable.

Tonight the kids are singing Queen, which seems like a recipe for disaster.

Randy is in a gray jacket over a yellow shirt. He has a lapel *YO*  pin (not the knitting abbreviation for *yarn over*, but the actual letters *Y* and *O*) that looks like it was made in a kids' craft class at Hobby Lobby. Steven is in a dark shirt, a spangly vest, and a blazer composed of mummy wrappings tacked together here and there. It looks like it smells. JLo has her front hair barretted back, and her lipstick, once again, is nude. She's wearing a gold lame, puffed sleeve, shortie top with a zipper front, and low-rider lame (I can't make the accent work- they're shiny and sparkly... that kind of la-may... though they're pretty lame too) almost-Hammer Pants. We're talking ugly, here. So ugly that Randy is the best dressed of the judges tonight.

Ryan's hair is higher and more sculpted than ever. He's wearing a blue three piece suit, with no tie, and the collar open. He looks rather rumpled.

Since we have to fill up 2 hours with only 12 performances, we have lots of time for surviving Queen members to remind us of their prodigious catalog. We're also reminded that orthodontia wasn't as ubiquitous back then. The Queen fellas give the kids some generic encouragement.

And in a departure from the usual format, the Top 6 sing a medley of Queen songs, with Queen itself.  And indeed, we fat-bottom girls do make the rockin' world go round. Phil and Joshua flounder. Elise and Skylar do well. Hollie can't sing low enough, and Jessica's vibrato is totally out of control.

Tonight, there are no individual mentor clips, and no Jimmy Iovine opinions. In fact, there is very little chatter in between performances for this first half. Ryan marches things along smartly.

#1 Jessica is singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Her hair is in a small pompadour, and since the performance starts out in black and white, I don't know what color her vaguely Navajo print skirt, unlaced tennis shoes, shirt and vest are. Three Jessicas (all with much higher hair) sing to us from the big screen, and then everything colorizes and I see that her vest is brown and her skirt is sparkly red, black and white. She's wearing a pink glittery choker that may actually be a zipper running down the front of her shirt. Her performance is totally underwhelming, not worthy of the song, but the judges overpraise her.

#2. Skylar is in a tan, strappy dress with copper sparkles all over, and a black belt. Her hair is soft and pretty, and she's wearing rhinestone pistol earrings. She's singing The Show Must Go On, but it's not the song that I think it's going to be. She ditches the Country altogether, and is doing very well with this,at least until the end. Her last couple of notes were off. JLo gets goosies! (she's not particularly enthusiastic about them- they're lower-case at best). Steven was overwhelmed, and Randy thought it was incredible.

Gah- I hate Subway commercials. Why oh why are they trying to convince us that normally sized people are fat enough to burst swimming pools and break swings? (Nevermind- I know why and I hate them for it).

#3 Joshua is singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love. He's dressed all in black, and is using an old-fashioned microphone, which he holds weirdly throughout. Yikes, this is awful- shrieky, tuneless, thin, and it makes my ears bleed. Also: really awkward dancing. Randy and Steven stand, JLo stays seated, though when the camera pans back to them, she is standing with the others. Randy keeps comparing Joshua to Sam Cooke, which is ridiculous. Sam Cooke understood the power of restraint.

#4. Elise is singing I Want It All. she's wearing a long, floaty sleeveless tie-dye robe over a short leather flapper skirt and black top. Her necklace appears to be made of chain mail. She's playing a tambourine and there's definitely a Hippie Vibe going on. Elise is doing her Janis Joplin best with this, and I like it a lot. The judges enthuse.

#5. Phil is in a blue tee shirt and tan shirt. I am surprised to find that he's singing Fat Bottomed Girls, since they sang that in the opening medley. He's singing without guitar... and... well... this is Phil's first phizzle. It's not awful, but it's not good either. Steven needs to watch it with the more cushion for the pushin' jokes. Steven and JLo are gushy, and Randy is vaguely neutral.

#6. Hollie is in a slim-legged red satin pantsuit over a black shirt. Her necklace has lots of heavy, square stones. I don't know this song, but she's doing well with it. I would have bet that Hollie was going to crash and burn, so I'm glad for her. The judges are critical though- JLo going on and on about connecting to the song (or rather, Hollie's lack of connection).

Ryan asks the Judges who the Round 1 winners are. JLo says Skylar, Randy  says Skylar, Joshua, and Elise. Steven says Skylar. They all agree that Hollie needs to pick it up.

Round 2 is songs that the kids chose for themselves.

#7. Jessica is in a Shrek-green, one-shouldered toga with a mullet hem. Oh no, she's singing Dance With My Father, which she considers as a tribute to her own father (though I'm pretty sure that her father is still alive, so she has no real notion of what the song is about). Before she starts singing, the other kids interview about Jessica- saying that she's a kid, and still in school, and teeny, and is perhaps an alien. Onstage, Jessica sings with the wind machine. I would probably think this performance was okay if I did not absolutely loathe this song (it's the musical equivalent of a dead-dog story... sad for no other reason than to make you cry). The judges love it.

#8. Skylar has lots of cleavage in her cream dress with the scalloped hem and scattered sparkles. The others  interview that Skylar talks a lot, all the time, and is a bundle of energy. Hollie says that Skylar is "thick-boned" when she really means  "thick-skinned". The twang is back, front and center. I don't know this song, and did not catch the title, but it seems to be about tattoos. JLo babbles, Randy speaks his own language, and Steven missed... something... I think.

#9. Joshua is in a tan leather jacket, a brown loopy scarf, and a white shirt. The others interview that Joshua is loud, crazy, messy, and he screams a lot. Joshua starts out on a stool, and the back lighting shines through his ears, making them glow redly. I don't know this song, but Joshua is far more restrained than usual. I figure that means he's about to go purely crazy, but... and you may need to sit down for this... he doesn't. In fact, Joshua controls himself and his voice throughout, and he delivers a really lovely performance. For the first time ever, I hear the Sam Cooke similarity. He gets a thoroughly deserved Standing O from the Judges.

#10. Elise is wearing a vaguely Grecian, blue, strappy, satin, mullet dress. She has an orange tie-dye scarf that attaches to her ring, and then loops around behind and is somehow anchored to the back of her dress. The other kids make fun of Elise's laugh, and her goofy hand motions. I don't know this song, but it's jazzy and bluesy and growly and exactly the kind of song that Elise needs to sing. Steven loved it but cautions Elise to pick songs that people know. JLo understands what Steven is saying, but thinks that Elise did well enough for it not to matter (I'm with JLo on this one). Randy gives some kind of silly critique. Ryan makes a point to mention that the guitarist is from Elise's own band.

#11. Phil is in all black, and playing the guitar. Jessica says that Phil is handsome in regular life but goofy looking when he sings. Onstage with a baritone sax and a violin, this song is odd. There's no real melody, and Phil is not making as many weird faces as usual. It's fierce and yet the vocal is soft. It's weirdly good. Mesmerizing.  Steven commends Phil for damning the torpedoes and full-speeding his Philness ahead. JLo worries about choosing such an obscure song. Randy is actually coherent. Ryan says that his "girlfriend" is backstage and she has a crush on Phil.

#12. Hollie is wearing a cute dress with a gold-banded, black circular skirt, and a sparkly gold bustier top whose neckline seems to be encrusted with metal flowers. The others make fun of her Texas/English accent. She's singing that inspirational Miley Cyrus song, and since she only has to sing it better than Miley does, the bar is set pretty low. Even so, Hollie is doing very well with this- she's hitting all of the notes (something she doesn't always manage), and she seems to be connected to the song emotionally. It's a very good performance, and she gets a Standing O from the judges.

Ryan did his job too well, after the recap-clips, there are still 3 minutes to kill, which feels like 3 hours by the time he gets done letting the judges blather. They all stress the importance of voting.

Tonight's Best:
Joshua #2
Elise #1
Phil #2

Honorable Mention: Skylar #1-#2

Tonight's Worst:
Joshua #1
Phil #1
Jessica #1

Dishonorable Mention: Jessica #2

AI Season 11 Top 7 Elimination- 04-19-12

We open with the Hipstamatic version of last week's drama- all of the colors bled down a bit, and fuzzy around the edges. Somewhere in there, a screen pops up that says "SHOCKER" in big letters. There's only one elimination that that would truly shock me, and that would be Phil's. And I seriously doubt that's what's going to happen tonight.

JLo's  wearing apple green, high-waisted flare pants, a drapey white halter top, and a deeply messy ponytail. How messy? She looks like she just rolled out of bed. Randy is in gray jacket that whiffs of Fab Four. Steven is dressed in someone's red velvet couch. Ryan is in a blue suit with a spiffy red pocket square.

Taylor Hicks is in the House!!!! And Elliott Yamin!!!!

Ryan reminds us that there are no more saves, and that one of the kids will go home tonight. Hey, I have an idea- how about we send all but 2 home tonight, and then finish this sucker off next week? Good idea, right? Oh, and Kris Allen is going to sing.

The group sing is Dancing in the Street, and amazingly enough, they sound fine. Most of the girls are in rompers, and everyone but Elise is is wearing bright and ugly colors. Elise is wearing Bright and Patriotic colors. They sort of dance, but there is no Pointy Pose, though I would have settled for Jazz Hands.

The kids are seated on the bleachers for the Fordmercial, which posits that the constellations were invented in the 80's. Or something like that.

Ryan calls Joshua (charcoal gray vest, white tee shirt, hat) and Hollie (poofy top hair, pink and purple romper shorts, high heels) down. Iovine thinks that Joshua helped himself last night. He thinks that Hollie was not as nervous last night but that she'll still be in the Bottom 3. Jimmy is right- Joshua (whose elimination might have been a minor shocker) is safe and Hollie is not.

It took the show years, but it must finally have decided that Taylor Hicks isn't the worst thing that ever happened to it, because Ryan is not only talking to him, he's allowing Taylor to plug his upcoming Vegas gig (Yay Taylor!), and to introduce Kris Allen.

Kris has a new album coming out called Thank You Camelia, and a new single called Vision of Love. He's playing a very rustic upright piano on a rotating dais. Kris is still nice looking and pleasantly bland (Phil Phillips Lite). The song is okay and forgettable, and not exactly worthy of all of the flashlights waving in the audience.

Next down are Skylar (cowboy boots, a really ugly green print sundress with a ruffle neck in front and a weird string arrangement in back, and a wide white belt. Oh yeah, and an eagle necklace) and Elise (loose asymmetrical deep red blouse over a short, tight royal blue skirt, and a look of utter defeat). Iovine says that Skylar delivered, and she gets better and better every week. He says that Elise is going to be in the Bottom 3 again. Still. Some More. And once again, Jimmy is right. Skylar is safe, and Elise joins Hollie.

Ryan's tribute to Dick Clark is lovely. My mom was very young, and I distinctly remember watching American Bandstand with her after I got home from school in the later 50's.

LMFAO is singing now... or at least they're performing, along with a guy wearing a box on his head, and a couple of people in a zebra suit, and several enthusiastic dancers. Be honest with me- this is actually a joke right? One of these guys is really Weird Al Yankovic. Gotta be, because no one could possibly take this stuff seriously.

Next up is Colton (printed tee shirt and a denim vest, and no red streak in his hair), Phil (do I really need to describe what Phil is wearing? I'm pretty sure you can figure it out on your own), and Jessica (red, black, and white print romper shorts, a braid in her hair, and the highest heels I've ever seen). Jimmy thinks that everything about Colton's performance last night was wrong (Yay Jimmy!), and that Phil chooses great songs for himself, and that Jessica is singing songs that are way too old for her (though what choice does she have most weeks, when the themes were all outdated before she was born?.

Ryan puts Jessica out of her misery first, and sends her to safety. And now with Phil and Colton standing there, I am suddenly very afraid that Phil will actually be the Shocking Elimination tonight. But no, Phil is safe and Colton joins Hollie and Elise.

Ryan pulls Elise aside and walks her to the stools, and Elise knows she's a goner. Except not. Elise is safe. Stunned, but safe.

Colton and Hollie huddle, and Ryan takes a deep breath... and sends Colton home!

While it's not exactly a shocker, or at least only shocking in that Hollie survived yet another trip to the Bottom 3, the people who liked Colton are certainly surprised. Hollie is surprised, and weeping (out of sadness, or perhaps survivor guilt). Colton looks a little stunned, and his family is in shock, so I guess there is some shockiness involved.

He sings that song where he ends up on his knees, except this time he starts out on his knees. Hollie is falling apart, and Phil is looking at his own feet. The others look as though they didn't realize that winning meant that the others would lose.

So, no more Colton next week. Yay!

AI Season 11 Top 6 (no wait, it's still 7) Performance- 04-18-12

Why is this show still 2 hours long? I'm tired and I want to go to bed.

I forgot that no one went home last week, but the show sure remembers. We get the whole drama again, Silent Movie Style.

JLo is wearing a dress that can best be described as a skin-tight armadillo suit with ab-windows. Her hair is pulled up and back in barrettes. Randy is in a lavender blazer with a peace sign patch, and a huge white watch. Steven looks like a fabric store threw up on him. Ryan is in a dark blue suit. He takes time to acknowledge the passing of Dick Clark.

Tonight the kids will each sing 2 songs, the first chosen from songs released between 2000-now, and the second will be Soul. Good luck with that one, kiddos.

#1 Hollie is going to sing Rolling in the Deep, and I think I have formally reached Adele Overload.
Iovine advises Hollie to sing and not think. I would have advised her to choose pretty much any other song. Onstage, Hollie has great hair, a sparkly blue top, an icicle necklace, and long loose layered transparent pants over capris. Seriously. Anyway, I would have bet against Hollie being able to do this song justice, but she's proving me wrong. The judges are happy, though Randy heard non-existent pitch problems.

#2 Colton is singing Lady Gaga (I reached Lady Gaga Overload long ago). Onstage, Colton is in red leather pants, a lacy transparent black droopy shirt, and a black and silver coat that is short in front and has shredded tails in back. And he has a bright red streak in his hair. This may be his most ridiculous outfit yet, and that's saying something. This is that Ga-Ga-ooh-la-la song and it's terrible (not just the song, but this particular performance). There's lots of squatting and shouting and smoke and backup people all dressed in white. The judges love it. sigh.

#3. Elise is singing Alicia Keys' No One. Iovine thinks that Elise feels like and underdog, and that she is judged week-to-week on the individual performances, with not much fan support. Elise is wearing an orange, one-shouldered dress with a transparent, floaty, gathered, long overdress. The elements are terrible, but the dress doesn't look that bad on her. Her song is not particularly melodic, but she's doing well with it. JLO gets GOOSIES! Steven was not thrilled with the song choice. Randy compliments Elise's restraint.

#4. Phil is singing Usher's You Got it Bad. Iovine has wisely decided to stop pushing Phil to be anything but what Phil is. Onstage, Phil is wearing a gray tee. He starts out on a stool, with his guitar (doing a pretty intricate strum). There are also bongos and a sax onstage. I don't' know this song, but I like it. Phil gets a Standing O from the judges.

#5. Jessica is singing Alicia Keys' Falling. Iovine says that Jessica has to save herself. Onstage, she has big big earrings, wavy hair, and a white belted thing that I think is a dress at first, but when she moves, I see that it's actually a flowing jumpsuit. This girl wants to win, and she sounds fantastic. The audience gives her a Standing O, though the judges stay seated. They assure Jessica that they loved it though.

#6. Skylar is singing Lady Gaga's Born This Way (damn, I'm doing a lot of sighing tonight). Iovine gives her good, specific advice. Onstage, Skylar is wearing egg whisks for earrings, black latex leggings, a white shirt that gathers right over the hips, a long floaty open shirt (and by long, I mean knee length), topped by a sparkly silver vest. The whole thing is cinched tight with a wide belt. If Hifiger is responsible for the sartorial sinning tonight, he needs to be fired. I imagine that Skylar did fine with this song, but it didn't do anything for me. JLo gushes, Steven's glad Skylar was born that way, Randy says she has crossover appeal.

#7. Oh for crying out loud, Joshua is singing Fantasia's I Believe. Iovine says that being in the Bottom 3 has given Joshua the deer-in-the-headlights look. Onstage, he's wearing a red blazer over a black shirt with white pin dots. Fantasia herself goes batshit on this song, and I fully expect Joshua to do the same. He holds back, which is good, but I still don't like him or this song, which is pure schmaltz. He gets a Standing Judge O.

Everyone's second songs will come from the Soul Train years. This should be interesting, if by *interesting*, I mean *train-wrecky*.

#1-2 Hollie gets a greeting from the Liverpool Football (soccer) Club. She's wearing a short, tight pink dress with cap sleeves. She's singing Son of a Preacher Man, entering at the top of the stairs, and then very gingerly makes her way down. Advice: if you can't sing and walk down stairs at the same time, start out on the flat ground. There are definitely some bad notes in this, but worse yet, there is absolutely no soul. However, the judges love it.

#2-2 Colton is singing Earth Wind and Fire's September. He's wearing black with a gray scarf, and is seated at a red baby grand piano. Yikes- this is terrible, all emo and angst and whine. The Hub, who is quite conversant with 70's music, didn't recognize the song at all. It's been Colton-ized into a mish-mosh of wailing. Steven didn't like the song choice. JLo was not thrilled either. Neither was Randy. Maybe Colton will finally be in the bottom 3.

#3-2 Elise is singing Let's Get it On. She's wearing floaty black high-waisted pants and a black strapless top, with a black shrug. I like Elise a lot, but this is pretty underwhelming. She starts all slow and sultry on a white couch, but then she gets up and shouts and growls and squats a lot. I didn't like the finish at all. JLo wants more emotion, Steven though it was sexy but  needs more, Randy thinks the song was wrong for her voice.

#4-2 Phil is singing Wilson Pickett's Midnight Hour. He's without guitar, in a black jacket. This song is absolutely perfect for him, and he delivered yet another Phil-Phil performance that has the judges gushing.

#5-2 Jessica is singing Try a Little Tenderness. She's wearing a black leather jacket over a black top with weird white fringes at the neckline, and purple jodphurs. No, I am not making this up. Oh dear, this is really terrible. Yikes! It's shouty, and sharp, and completely unpleasant. I have come to the conclusion that the judges are deaf, because they love it.

#6-2 Skylar is singing Heard it Through the Grapevine. She's wearing a hot pink short dress with an even hem! The bodice has a very (very) deep plunge, and it looks like it's constructed out of black and silver metal. She's singing Aretha's version of the song, and it's everything that Jessica's performance was not. The judges are enthusiastic.

#7-2 Joshua is singing Sam Cooke's A Change is Gonna Come, which I need to mention was my fave Taylor Hicks' audition song, so I'm not apt to like Joshua's version of it, even if I do like it. Which I do not. Joshua is wearing a black, scoop-neck leather vest over a black shirt with either a very drapey collar, or a weirdly tucked scarf. His runaway vibrato is front and center, and he cranks it up to 25 or so by the end. He gets a Standing O from the judges and a shake of the head from me.

Tonight's Worst:
Jessica #2
Colton #1
Colton #2

Dishonorable Mention: Joshua #2

Tonight's Best"
Hollie #1
Phil #1
Phil #2

Honorable Mention Jessica #1

Someone is going home tomorrow night. Probably Elise.