Saturday, September 26, 2009

Carpentry Definitions

Maybe you have to be married to a carpenter to think this stuff is funny, but most of these made me laugh out loud.

The Real Tool Definitions(if anyone has proper attribution, kindly let me know):

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the worksbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh..."

Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouiji Board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredicitble motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing.

Table Saw: a large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used to turn aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of eveyrthing you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, or for opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Works particularly well on seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes.

Son of a Bitch Tool: Any nearby tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Jennifer said...

I love this. I'm going to show it to my husband.

Geek Knitter said...

Vinyl records? Wow, this one's been around for a while.

There's another one floating about out there revolving around mechanics. Good fun!

Mary Keenan said...

Oh man, I have done way too much home reno - I could relate pretty vividly to most of these too ;^)

Anonymous said...

This one I had to pass on to my hubby. I love your new sock book and took it to my knit group, I know at least 3 others tried to steal it, but I told them to get their own. Just finished the miter socks you had a patten on your blog a while ago. ohiogarnet

Bethel said...

Too Funny. My dad would have loved these...