Wednesday, January 25, 2012

AI Season 11, 01-25-12, Aspen Auditions

We start with actual old home movies (not new contestant films) which leads into vacations, which ties into Colorado, which segues into auditions in Aspen. AI should have ponied up for John Denver- that would have saved precious minutes in setting the scene. The leaves are very pretty, though. So are the mountains.

Randy is wearing the blue and white version of Waldo's tee shirt. Steven is wearing a vest over a blue print shirt (btw- the complaints about his performance of the Star Spangled Banner at the football game are pure silliness- if they didn't want an Aerosmith version of the National Anthem, they should have invited someone else to sing it). JLo is in black sparkles and yet ANOTHER pair of pleated shorts. My God Woman, give it a rest.

First up tonight is Jenny Schick, who is hyper, and hyper annoying. She teaches *kinnergarden*. She spends a lot of time talking about getting a free pass to cheat with Steven. I'm sure her students will be fascinated, and her students' parents even moreso. She's wearing a short, tight skirt, and thigh high boots, and seems just a tad skanky for an elementary school role model. Can she sing? Not at all,  but the judges disagree with me.

Now we see some auditioner home movies, including a bunch of kids who don't want to get up early. Boo hoo.

Curtis Gray, 28, was one of the sleepy-heads. He says he's from Florida, but I hear Maine in his voice. I didn't recognize his song, but Chessa, who is here watching with me, knew it. Thanks Chessa. Curtis is annoying (though nowhere near as annoying as Jenny) and calls himself a young buck. But he has a nice enough voice.

Quickie Clips: Richie Law is this year's Scotty McCreery, Devan Jones is a soprano, Mathene Trecko massacres Hey Jude. All three went through.

Talena Hedgespeth is 19. She has a twin sister who is The Pretty One, and also The Talented One. She wears a yellow shortie jumpsuit, and her nose studs look like shiny boogers hanging from her nose.  Talena has decided that AI is her chance to break free from being The Other Twin. I suspect this will do the trick. She will now be The Twin Who Sucked on American Idol.

Haley Smith is 18, and she lives in a cabin, which does not surprise me in the least.  She sings Chaka Kahn and... hmmm... her voice is raw, but there's something in there. I want to hear more from her, and I should get that chance in Hollywood. Haley will benefit from the dental services that usually accompany the Idol makeovers.

Waitress Alina Snare is 22 but she looks 40. Her bar serves Rocky Mountain Oysters, a delicacy unfamiliar to Randy. She sings Jolene, turning a marginally awful song into something truly horrible.

Shelby Tweten, from Mankato, MN, is Bi-Polar. She says that American Idol has given her a reason to take her meds. I want her to go home and hunker down- this show is no place for someone that emotionally fragile. The meat grinder is going to chew her up and spit her out. But she has a pleasant voice, so the judges do the wrong thing and move her forward.

We now see brief clips of more bad singers (as opposed to the several much longer clips we've suffered through already).

Jairon Jackson, 19, is a rather beefy young man. He's wearing a white tee shirt and long shorts that need to be pulled up. He has a perfectly serviceable boy-band voice. Unfortunately, he chooses to sing an original song, and even more unfortunately, he acts it out. But his voice is okay, so he gets a Golden Ticket. Jairon celebrates by repeatedly grabbing his nether regions, almost losing his shorts entirely, and breaking a ceiling tile with an enthusiastic jump.

25 year old Angie Zeiderman wants to be Lady Gaga. She has purple hair, lots of facial bling, and a very very short purple print dress (hair and dress are matchy-matchy... a fashion no-no). She sings some horrible song in a Betty Boop voice and a German accent. She writhes and squats, and in general, acts like an idiot. We come very close to knowing for sure, whether or not Angie is also wearing purple panties. But then she pulls her dress down and sings an interesting version of Blue Bayou. It's not interesting enough to make up for all of the nonsense, but she gets the nod.

Last up, we are introduced to Magic Cyclops, a ridiculous guy who is probably in his mid-thirties. He's wearing sunglasses, long lanky hair, and sunglasses. He says he's from Davenport, IA. He says this in an English accent. He offers to sing "James Buffay or Crackling Rose from Neil Diamond." It really doesn't matter which song he sings, this guy is not crazy enough to warrant this audition slot- he's irritating and exhausting, and he ends his performance with an exploding confetti fart. Seriously. The judges walk out. I sincerely hope that means that we've seen the last of Magic Cyclops, but I've watched this show for too many years to bank on that.

We spent more time with bad auditions tonight than in the other three episodes put together. I would much rather have seen more of the 31 Aspen auditioners who are going on to Hollywood. Tomorrow night, they go to Texas (Houston?). I can pretty much guarantee that I won't see the show (unless it's on in the airport), and I probably won't get to the recap on Friday either. I'll catch up with the shows as I can- thanks in advance for your patience.

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