AI Season 9- Finale

So, Lee and Crystal both auditioned in Chicago. I hadn't realized that.

We pan the audience- there's Carrie. and Jordin. omigod- there's TAYLOR!!!

Randy is wearing an astonishing flower print shirt. Ellen is in white on white. Kara is once again in a one-shouldered dress... and... wait for it... sparkles. Simon has a black jacket and a white shirt. Unbuttoned.

Lee and Crystal are dressed like Catholic School kids in red blazers and plaid and knee socks (well, Crystal is wearing knee socks, I don't know about Lee).They're joined by the rest of the Top 12, all in the same uniform- they all look pretty cute, actually. They're singing School's Out For Summer in front, while a chorus of kids enters wearing Alice Cooper makeup. And there he is, Alice Cooper his own self. At the end, rather than a Pointy Pose, Siobhan gives us a peek up her skirt.

We pause for the first of what will surely be many Simon tributes. Wow, he looked so much younger back in Season 1.

Siobhan and Aaron (odd pairing, that) are doing a Bee Gee's duet from the Saturday Night Fever years. They actually sound pretty good. And lookie here- the surviving Brothers Gibb. Whattyaknow- these four sound fantastic together.

We pan the audience, and there's The Hoff, not visibly intoxicated or weeping. Or searching for a hamburger.

Big Mike in a tux and wallet chain (which hangs far below his tux) is doing the Doobies. I am not in the least surprised when Michael McDonald joins him on stage.

Urgh- Dane Cook "singing" Simon's Greatest Insults. Not funny.

The Top 6 Gals take the stage. Lacey is in lots of different leathers. Didi's girls are front and center. Katie's dress is studded. Siobhan is once again dressed like a hooker. Paige has some gawdawful headband thing low on her forehead. Crystal looks like herself, in probably her 3rd costume change of the evening, so far. They're singing Beautiful. So of course Christina Aguilerra comes out, though she doesn't actually sing with the rest. They melt into the wings, while Christina, in a black swimsuit over sparkly tights, takes the stage all by herself.

Ricky Gervais is much funnier than Dane Cook, though not tonight.

We've got Lee paired with Hall and Oats. John Oates just doesn't look right without the pornstache. H&O sound good, but Lee is stinking up the joint. I don't harbor any animosity for the kid, but truly, he doesn't come close to hitting even half of the notes on any given song that he attempts. He can't talk, and a fair portion of the time, he can't sing. How did he make it this far?

Crystal is dressed in saloon girl undergarments over leggings, and omigod, there's Alanis Morisette. There is a lot of strutting, and artful changing of lyrics so as not to sing about oral sex.

Carrie Underwood is out next, and they don't even pretend to have their Most Successful (not to mention Most Beautiful) Idol sing with any of this year's crop. She's wearing a strange little ruffly bolero that appears to have been made entirely of zippers. This song is not a very good showcase for Carrie's amazing voice. Ah, it was co-written by Carrie herself, with help from Kara. That explains it.

aaaawwwww- Lee and Crystal each get a free Ford. And we see a montage of all of this season's Fordmercials, including the vampire one, which was my favorite.

Casey's up now, singing Every Rose Has a Thorn, and if that means what I think it means... Oh my goodness. Please, Brett Michaels, don't die on stage right here in front of us.

More audience panning, focusing briefly on people that I have a nagging suspicion that I should recognize.

Chicago (minus Peter Cetera) is with Lee now. I have always loved If You Leave Me Now, and am thrilled to hear it tonight, even though Lee hasn't hit a single note properly yet.

There's Matt Rogers, the Will Sasso of American Idol.

And more Simon montage/roast/tribute clips, in many of which he feels himself up. There is some sort of cryptic exchange between Simon and Ryan after the montage.

Oho! Did I call it a couple of weeks ago, or what? Lookin' like a foo, witcher pants onna groun'. Lookin' even more like a foo with William Hung on stage.

And now it's Pauler's turn. Did she have a nose j ob, or was her nose always that pointy? She's wearing a pink, strapless, poofy bubble dress, and she's as incoherent as ever. One thing is clear from the montages: Simon's hair has always been awful.

I almost didn't recognize Kelly Clarkson at first. I did recognize Ruben. And Fantasia. and Carrie. And Jordin. And Taylor!! And I think I'll add a few more of those: !!!!!!!, and Kris Allen. All of the American Idol winners except David Cook. Adding to the fun, a parade of other alums, and this is far from an all-inclusive list: David Archuletta. Jason Castro, Diana DeGarmo, Bo Bice, Allison Iraheta, Kimberly Caldwell, Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis, Michael Johns, Brooke White, Chris Richardson, and Elliott Yamin. I wish they'd taken time to introduce all of them- each and every one deserves a bit of applause. (P.S. No Clay, no Kimberley Locke, no Adam Lambert).

After the commercial, the black stage is suddenly illuminated by multiple streaks of green laser lights. The Top 12, all in black and many in sparkles, sings... something... and Janet Jackson, fresh from the S&M Renaissance Faire, appears. Her Anna from V hairstyle is... well... interesting. She also has no need to perform with any lowly Idol contestants- she stands front and center, with her Morticia Adams hem arrayed around her, and quietly sings some soft ballad, and then goes behind a curtain to strip down, as backup dancers whose faces are covered with weirdly printed fabric, gyrate. Janet re-enters in a skin-tight catsuit (as if there is any other kind). I've never been a JJ fan, so I'm not quite as impressed as the studio audience, or the judges, though I do appreciate the job her outfit is doing in keeping her breasts properly corralled..

Crystal and Lee sing their final duet, With A Little Help from My Friends, and by damn, if Joe Cocker doesn't show up, sounding fine, and looking goofy in a jacket made from my grandma's curtains. Wow! this is the performance of the evening, as far as I am concerned.

It's three minutes to 9:00pm, and we cut to a commercial, so I suspect that we're going to go overtime. My guess is that Paula rambled beyond her allotment.

So, finally, we're back to the reason for this show, why I've spent 2-3 nights every week, taking notes, for the last four months....

aaaannnndddd......

we get the guy who doesn't hit but 5 notes out of every 10 that he sings (though I'll grant you that the ones he does hit, sound just fine. And his studio recordings also sound fine).  And I know that I've said all along that it'll be better for Crystal not to win, that it's better for her to come in 6th, or 4th, or 2nd than to win and be seen as a failure for staying true to her own not-so-marketable vision... but.... there's no getting around it: I am so so so disappointed. For me. For her. And for this cheesy show that I've loved from the beginning. I can't help but to think that the show, in their yearly misguided effort to stack the deck, allowed the audience to take the easy choice- to vote for the mildly attractive guy with a pleasant voice, whose music will be listenable after the studio gets hold of it (and who is only different from the last two winners in that he is much less polished- oh and he can't sing in tune live), rather than the unconventional, defiant, and without a doubt, vastly more talented woman. It says something that I don't want to know about us.

But you know, and I know, that I'll be back next January, with pen and pad in hand, and hope in my heart, ready to fall in love all over again.

Until then, I return you to your regular programming.