Ryan enters through Red, White and Blue spotlights. The Prez and Mrs. O do a bit of DSS.
Randy, Ellen and Simon are all in black suit jackets. Ellen is also wearing a scarf. Kara is in strapless, silver sparkle. Queen Latifah, holding down the fort in the Pasadena AI Annex, is also in a black suit jacket over a black and irridescent purple sparkly top. On a totally shallow note- she has the most beautiful skin.
The Top 12 are all together again, all wearing white, and singing some song that I think I sort of recognize. They've done something with the sound quality to make everyone sound like they're singing from the 40's, which isn't improving things. I honestly don't know if this is a new song, or an old one that has been rendered totally unrecognizable. Either way, it's not very good.
Jennifer Garner DSSs about Save the Children. Posh is so busy posing that she can barely read the teleprompter to do her DSSing. Cap'n Sully must have been in the audience last night so he could pre-tape his segment. Jonah Hill and Russell Brand do a lame sketch about manning the phone bank.
In Pasadena, the Black Eyed Peas take the stage. Fergie struts in a lizard skin swimsuit, extremely tall boots with built in knee guards, and a good wax job. There's a guy with halved Devo helmets glued to his shoulders, and some backup singers who just came from the Godzilla Vs. The Robots set. As far as I can tell, they're singing that they all wanna wash their hair. I wish they would.
There's only an hour and a half of this stuff left. Sigh.
Ryan DSSs. George Lopez takes the stage and roasts the judges half-heartedly (well, maybe he's doing it with a very full heart, but the laughs are definitely half-staff).
At about 40 minutes into the show, we get the Fordmercial- it's one of those stop-motion things where they freeze water droplets and spilling paint in mid-air, and then circle around it. It's cool to watch.
And finally, some real results. Ryan calls Casey and Crystal to center stage. Casey is in a white leather blazer with black piping. Crystal's dress looks vaguely Greek and Goddessy. It's actually quite pretty.
Casey is in the Bottom 3 (something I sort of predicted last night), and Crystal is safe, not surprising since she won the whole shebang last night.
Aaron has the sleeves of his white windbreaker pushed up past his elbows, and Lee is wearing a silky jacket. Lee is safe while Aaron joins Casey.
And with that, we're back to Pasadena, with Jeff Beck and Joss Stone singing I Put a Spell on You. Joss looks nothing like Anne of Cleves in a very slinky, gray sparkly dress. Jeff Beck is in a white sleeveless shirt with black flames (?). He's wearing an armband that looks like it's made from duct tape. Very tightly wound duct tape.
David Duchovny, Justin Beiber, one of the Jonaii, Chris Rock and either John Mayer, Michael Buble or Josh Groban (they're hard to tell apart) S very DS. The Secretary General of the UN, Morgan Freeman and Randy also DSS.
Alicia Keys enteres in a black satin jumpsuit with peekaboo shoulders and a pleated waist. I don't know this song, but it's flat-out terrible, though whether that's because the song is bad, or because the sound system is making Alicia's voice sound thin, tired, and weak, I can't tell. She segues into another song at the piano, but her voice is equally bad on this one too.
We're back at the phone bank, where celebrity almost-sorta-lookalikes man the phones, though that's really Slash, and there's last year's wackadoo Tatiana, in a cute haircut. And that actually looks like Octomom (I gotta hope there isn't enough call for for an Octolookalike to make a living). and Jim Carrey is there for a nanosecond.
Queen Latifah and Common, who co-stars in some movie with her (so this S isn't quite so unselfish, methinks), introduce Carrie Underwood, who is wearing a gold an black grace Kelly dress. The girl has pipes, though this song isn't the best showcase for The Show's Biggest Success.
More DSSing from Ryan, Ellen, David Arquette, Elliott Yamin, Sister Dominguez, and Bill and Melinda Gates. Ryan warns us that the show is going to go over time, but since they can't bring it in on time on a regular evening, I'm not exactly surprised.
I have never liked Wanda Sykes- her voice makes my ears bleed, and her humor bypasses me entirely, but her riff tonight on what they put the Bootees through is spot on.
What? There's business to take care of tonight too? Well, let's get to it. Siobhan, in a dress that looks normal except for the moth holes, Mike and Tim are up- all in reverse competition for the final B3 spot, which Tim wins (or loses),
I know that people pay big bucks for that artfully tousled look, but David Cook looks like he actually did go to bed with wet hair. Annie Lennox is stuck in the UK, but she sings a simple and beautiful song via satellite. In Hollywood, Mary J. Blige, Orianthi, Randy, and a bunch of other names that I didn't catch, are singing Stairway to Heaven. Blonde Mary is wearing bug glasses, and her shoulders look like they've been armor plated with bits of mirror. Hmm- I always thought you were "climbing" that stairway, not "buying" it. Shows you what I know.
Simon does his part, and we are now 10 minutes over time. Elton John, in a suit with silvery pinstripes and very oddly cut trousers, sings Your Song as a montage of all of the sad and serious and important bits plays on the big screen. Then Simon announces that an astonishing $15 million has been donated so far during the show.
And now at 17 minutes overtime, Ryan mentions that next week's mentor is Shania Twain, and the theme is Shania herself. Then he sends Aaron back to safety (and I try not to notice that something about the cut of 16 year old Aaron's pants is very odd). Tim has his smile at the ready, and Casey looks like he's going to throw up, and...Tim is going home. It's about time.
They hang on long enough to show Tim's montage, but not enough for him to sing, which, given that his looks are what kept him in the running for so long, is sort of apt. And at 24 minutes overtime, IGB ends.
I will say that I had ample opportunity during the show to think about my cars, and my comfortable house, and my full pantry, and my healthy family, and all of the complaining that I do about petty little stuff that doesn't matter at all. Perhaps if I try to do something good for someone every day, I can pay back just a little of my good fortune.
1 comment:
Well, your comments make me glad my tape of the show (I had to work) had NO SOUND(!). I just went to the end to see who was gone.
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